A Long-Awaited Time Has Come

On January 1, 2010, I sat motionless on the couch in the living room after my husband hugged and kissed me goodbye to be on his way to OCS in Georgia.  I didn't know what to do with myself when he was gone.  I knew that the class would be 12 weeks long and that I could handle it with trips to see each other.  However, I didn't expect the wave of emotion that would overtake me when he left.  I didn't want to go anywhere.  I just wanted to sit there, do nothing, touch nothing in hopes that perhaps that would make it feel like he would come back faster.


A few days later, I mustered up the courage to venture outside.  I ran a few errands, and I started to feel better.  Still, though, I longed to be with him and cannot even describe in words what it felt like to be apart.  Just imagine you are trying to function with only half of your body.


When he arrived in Georgia, he was told he would have to wait longer for his class to start.  We hoped and prayed that he would get in with no problems.  The competition seemed as though it could be tough.  He made it in.  Then, it seems, that we spent much of the rest of the time hoping and praying for various things.  Some of the things we hoped and prayed for came to fruition.  Some did not.  One of the most magnificent things that did come to be, though, was that my husband successfully completed the officer training course and will be named an Army Officer on Thursday, April 8, 2010!! I am beyond excited for him and infinitely proud!  


I long to be with him again, to see him, to hold him, to enjoy times together laughing and being together as we should be.  Because a husband and wife ARE one and should be one.  Those words are powerful and very true.  This time that we have been apart could have caused us to drift further or grow closer.  We have grown so much closer that I feel the oneness that I believe we should be feeling as husband and wife.  We both have matured through the experience.  We've learned to try not to take any thing, no matter how small, for granted.  Because you will miss it in a BIG way when it isn't there anymore.  


My flight leaves tomorrow at 9 am.  Based on the experience from my last flight, I'm not going in with any expectations.  I just pray for a safe arrival.  I wish I could just jump into his arms right now. 


One of the things that we hoped and prayed for that did NOT come to be was for him to be able to return to North Carolina.  I am currently working at a job that I love with coworkers who are great!  I enjoy going to work, and I would hate to leave.  The army isn't for choosers, though.  And they decided that he and I need to be in Kansas in the Fall.  After talking with the lady in charge, though, my husband tried to find out if there was at least a way to stay in Georgia for awhile.  He found out there was.  So, now, I am going to be moving to Georgia.  


I will finally get to be with him on a much more regular basis! YES!!! He will have to be away for periods of time for training.  But I don't care.  Seeing him at least two days a week is better than none at all! Even though I love my job here, there seem to be jobs available in Georgia that I'm applying to.  Plus, I love the town in Georgia much better than the one I live in right now.  So, all in all, we are both tremendously blessed.

The Love of my Life

The story of how my husband and I developed and grew our relationship is one that has often remained in my memory in pieces.  People will ask me about how I met him, if I knew he was "the one" right away, what drew me to him, etc.  I usually come through with the best rendition of how it all happened that I can remember at the time.  However, there are those times when I'll be thinking about the whole thing and I'll have an "oh yeah!" moment or "wow! I almost forgot about that."  So, I am going to start writing some of these things down because my husband and I truly have a remarkable story and we could not have invented it or planned it ourselves if we tried.


When he and I first started talking, I had an instant feeling I had met the man I would marry.  I remember our first conversation, and I also recall, very vividly, this feeling that I needed to "dig deeper" into this guy.  I felt like I could see him for more than what he even wanted to portray of himself to me.  I wasn't 100% certain, though, that I knew him through and through.  It was just a feeling I had deep inside of me.  We talked and I remember wanting to just continue talking to him and learning about him.  Obviously, we were both guarded to an extent (well because you always are when meeting somebody new) and I began to doubt if my initial feelings were correct.  "Maybe you're just dreaming this," I'd tell myself.  "Maybe this is just what you want it to be but not what it is."


And so it happened (and I no longer remember how or why) that we decided we were going to stop talking.  I wish I could remember why we decided this.  But it was only about a week or so after we had started talking that we decided to stop.  Perhaps I got frustrated or maybe he did or who knows.  Either way, we went for only a short while not talking.  I felt that I could not stand it not to talk to him.  And, little did I know it, but he was going through the same turmoil.  We both felt the need to talk to each other so much that we contacted each other again at the exact same time.  


From then on, we did not have a time when we chose not to talk again. ;) But it wasn't exactly easy.  I don't want to speak for him or for his feelings, but I will say what I believe was going on.  I believe that we both had such strong feelings for each other that neither of us was sure if we should trust them.  We both had a feeling (as if it were some divine illumination) that the other person was the one we would marry.  I even recall one specific incident when he said to me, "I think you are the person I'm supposed to marry.  I'm just not sure if I'm ready to meet the person I'm supposed to marry yet." I had to respect that! His honesty has always been so refreshing to me.  :) Still, though, we were both a little halfway there and halfway holding back.  I remember wondering if it would all be worth it to hold out.  I was hoping my feelings were right.  I wanted him to be who I knew he was, but how can you not doubt yourself when something so unbelievable could possibly be happening?  


One night, as I laid down to go to sleep, I thought to myself, "Maybe this won't work out in the end."  I went to sleep and I had a very vivid dream that I will not forget.  I was in a truck with him and he began driving me down a smooth, dirt path.  It seemed nice and I was ready for the drive.  Soon, though, the terrain began to get a little bit rough.  And I was worried but I thought maybe the road would get smoother soon.  Well, it didn't. Soon there were boulders and tree trunks coming out of the ground and I wondered if I should have gotten in the truck with him in the first place!  I grabbed on to the seat and handle for dear life asking him to please stop.  All he said was, "Just trust me!"  So, I shut my mouth and hoped I wouldn't die.  As the road turned into a mountainous trail with rocks and trees, we came to a point where there was nothing but a cliff.  The divide was so wide that I knew I had made a mistake.  I screamed at him to stop right there!  He said, "Just trust me. Everything will be fine."  Then, he hit the gas hard and we went clear over the cliff.  On the other side, we landed on a smooth road with fresh green grass on the sides.  I took a deep breath and realized that the uncertainty and tests of trust had been all worth it.  


And that is how it panned out into reality too.  The uncertainty that I felt while he was in Iraq wondering if I should hold out has now become a thing of the past.  And it has, without a doubt, made our appreciation of and our love for each other stronger. 

Born to Teach

(I love this picture because in a way it is kind of like a real class.  You have the horse sitting up and attending the teacher while the little black cat is turned to face his "friend."  Then the horse closest to the left is face down.)

Today, when I arrived at school, I was beginning to set up to teach my class when something very surprising happened! A lady from our county's central office came walking through the door.  I didn't know her at first.  Yet, when she introduced herself to me, I knew exactly who she was and I was NERVOUS.  Our county's reading specialist was in to observe me by surprise.  Yikes! The thing of it was that I was technically supposed to be teaching this reading class that I am doing with another teacher because I was never formally trained in their reading program.  However, when the other teacher (who was actually trained) began working with me, it just so happened that I did much better with the program without any training at all.  So, she let me just take it over.  We were working fine that way.

Well, the only issue is that we weren't technically SUPPOSED to be doing that.  BUUUT it didn't make any sense for her to teach it and me to sit back and watch when I was having an easier time with it than she was.  So, needless to say, I was sufficiently freaked out when this woman walked through my door.  I just knew I was dead in the water.  

And, of course, to throw another curve ball into the mix, I have some children whose special needs make it difficult for them to adapt to any change of any kind.  So, they were not as responsive to my teaching this morning as they would have been had she not been in there.  They did not like having a lady in there watching them, and they were very nervous and resistant to say anything.  I had to really pull them out of their shells to get them to say anything.

Well, at the end of the session, the reading specialist and I sat down together to discuss what she saw.  Her first words were, "I cannot believe how well you are doing! Are you sure you haven't had any training?" I replied, "Nope, I haven't had any training at all.  I just picked it up." Her face was glowing and her eyes were beaming as if she had just hit a gold mine.  She told me that I have perfect classroom management, a great relationship with the children, and a natural ability to teach.  Of course, this made my morning.  In addition to all of that, she said that their county needs me, and that she hopes I will be around next year.  Then, she followed that up with, "Only in my life have I ever seen one other teacher with your abilities."  I'll tell you that I was on cloud nine.  She then went and told the principal and the assistant principal how happy she was with me as I was informed by the assistant principal.  She could not believe I was only in my third year because she said I seemed like I'd been doing this all my life.

Now, I know that all of those things sound like I am bragging.  The thing is that I had all but lost my faith in my abilities as a teacher around this time last year.  I worked with a teacher who did not agree with me on my methods of teaching, and I had honestly been ganged up on by a few people because of her.  She didn't like me because I pushed hard to make sure that we were taking our time to challenge all students and not sitting pretty on "ideas" that didn't work in reality.

I just had to hope and pray that, in due time and a new opportunity, the truth about who I am as a teacher would rise to the surface.  At the first school where I worked here, I was given tons of encouragement and support.  The excellent part of that was that there were video cameras in our rooms.  So, the things I did on a daily basis were seen AND heard by the administration all the time.  They saw me for who I was.  I switched jobs mostly because I needed to make some more money and I wanted the opportunity to be a reading teacher.  Now, at this new school, I have received one good observation from my assistant principal who came in on me by surprise a few weeks ago.  And now, I have a glowing review from the reading specialist who came in on me by surprise today.

All of these things can clearly counteract any falsehoods that were told about me.  I am so thankful that harsh and dishonest words about me have been defeated by other people's obvious random and unplanned observations.

I am so happy to feel like there is support behind me now and I feel invigorated to teach now.  I was told today that I was born to teach.  And I am starting to once again feel as though that is the truth.  

In the end, sometimes we won't go where God needs us to go unless we are forced in that direction.  If I hadn't been forced this way, I wouldn't have been given these opportunities.  I am counting my blessings.

Finding a Home for Hissy Fit

As far as I can remember, I have always had a special place in my heart for certain people. I honestly cannot explain why it has been those people in particular. I just know that my heart understood them and went out to them. My mother has said that I have never been "a respecter of persons." By this, she means that I don't judge people based on their financial situation, level of education, mannerisms, etc. However, I am (as are we all) a respecter of persons. There are certain people who I just don't understand. There are people who get under my skin.


Still, for some reason that is beyond me, I have been given a place in my heart for certain people. The first one that I personally remember is from when I was in the second grade. I befriended a girl with autism in my class. I didn't know she had autism. I just knew that most people thought she was too different to be worthy of befriending. Well, I felt for her. I also didn't understand why she had to be singled out. Sure, she was different. Yet, that stood out enough as it was. I didn't get why anybody had to draw any more attention to the poor girl. I remember distinctly showing her daily on the playground that she could do things she felt she couldn't. I would boldly go in front of her to demonstrate how there was nothing to be afraid of..like going across on the monkey bars..and she would follow after me. She would be so excited with her accomplishments. Even though I felt for her, I also struggled with the fact that being her friend sometimes made me an outcast too. So, now something has to be mentally wrong with me for choosing to play with the "weird" girl? It didn't make ANY sense to me and still doesn't.


The next event that I recall was a girl I went to school with who people teased because of the way she dressed. That angered me to the core! I remember thinking, "So, you feeling like you dress well, look good, and act perfect isn't enough? You have to go and hurt somebody else and for what??" Like I said earlier, though, I was just given a pain for her. It wasn't as if I felt this way toward every person. It was just certain people. I tried to be a good friend. My pride got in the way because I didn't like being left out. As I grew older, I learned that I would rather be "left out" and given weird looks than know that I chose to ignore somebody who needed a friend.


More recently, I had this same feeling again except it was toward a kitten. My cat had 5 kittens. One of them I named Hissy Fit because he was constantly throwing some kind of a fit. People would see him and easily figure out which one was Hissy Fit. The four other kittens found homes pretty easily because they were a little more "normal." But, you see, Hissy Fit was just unsure of the world around him, and I somehow understood that. I saw him as nervous and a bit scared, but dying to break out of his little shell if given the chance. So, I chose to keep him with the mother. Without the litter to overpower him, he blossomed into a confidant little thing. Even though I wanted to keep him and the mother, I realized I couldn't do it with a dog and in this apartment. Every day, there was a mess and it was because the dog was always chasing the cats and getting into stuff. So, I reluctantly offered them up to a GOOD home. I was hoping that whoever got Hissy Fit would see the sweetness in him and understand him. Fortunately, the lady who came for him COMPLETELY understood. She fell in love with him instantly. She saw how he was a bit timid, yet, very loving simultaneously.


Isn't it good that God sees beyond our mess and loves us? Now, there's somebody who is not a respecter of persons.

(This is hissy fit in my lap) :)

As Cheerful as a Chickadee

As Cheerful as a Chickadee

One pretty morning sitting up in the tree

Everyone could hear the little chickadee

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

Singing high and loud and as pretty as could be

He clung to his branch and belted merrily

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

But soon came around a cautious old crow

Saying, “Foolish little bird, what do you know?”

“Look up at the sky! It is cold and it’s dark”

“None of us are happy.  Not even the lark!”

“If you’re smart you’ll hush that chatter”

“The birds are asking what is the matter?”

Cocking his head and hopping around

The little chickadee flitted up and down

“You see gloom and I see glory”

“If you listen to me I’ll tell you my story”

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

“One thing I know is I am free

And I’ve been blessed abundantly!”

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

“So if the day is cold and dreary”

“I won’t let it make me weary”

“It’s a day. It’s a gift! I will sing it from my heart!”

“God’s creation is a work of art!”

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

That old crow had nothing to say

He would not stand in the little bird’s way

So he hopped and he bopped his head along

It turned out to be a catchy song

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

Then bird after bird up in that tree!

Sang along to the song of that little chickadee

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

The dark old clouds were not so gray

The cold all around seemed to melt away

Cheerfulness warmed the birds inside

They sang together both far and wide

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

So just remember if you think you’re sad

You can turn it around and just be glad!

Sing the song like the little chickadee

Make it a choice to be happy

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

Chickadee Chickadee Chicka dee dee dee

“This is the day which the Lord hatch made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.”

Psalms 118:24

My Body's Love Affair with FAT

For the last month, I have thrown myself back into a regular work-out routine. Two years ago, I was regularly running and lifting weights. I was competing in races, and I was feeling great. Slowly but surely, from 2007-2009 I allowed my body to develop a dangerous love affair with fat. WARNING: The longer you let your body hang onto fat, the more resistant it will be to letting go.


Yes, I have been arguing with my body over this unhealthy attachment I have allowed it to form. It says to me, "But fat is so soft and comfortable." I argue, "Yes, but it only weighs you down." I then provide an alternative. Lifting weights and running, I offer it muscle in the place of fat. "Oh this hurts!" It yells. "I know," I reply, "but while fat will weigh you down, muscle will lift you up. The pain is good." My body seems to disagree with this idea entirely. It doesn't want to move. It stiffens on me as if turning its back to me and snubbing the entire concept of muscle. This is much like a spoiled child who has been given only chocolate milk being told to drink water.


I persist, though. I know better. I've been on the better side. I know that fat is only deceptive. It offers comfort and rest--both enticing ideas. Yet, the good things that it offers end there. In the end, it is one of those tricky relationships. The fat draws your body in with those ideas, and you are almost in a trance.


My body fell hook, line, and sinker for fat. It was taken away with the smells of delicious foods..forgetting entirely the calorie and fat content. Before it knew what was going on, the fat was slowly on its way in. All it does is come into your life, move in and take up space.


My body says, "All of this fat is providing me warmth." I plea with it, "At what cost? After it has moved in and taken up all of that space? You can't even fit into those cute jeans you love anymore! Can't you see the havoc it has wreaked?" I sigh in frustration. My body is totally clutching on to fat with all it has. It does not even realize that fat is a selfish partner. It claims peace and rest but only for itself! For you, it makes its way to your heart in a BAD way. It will CRUSH it in the end if you let it go on.


So, I tell my body that, although there are some things fat has to offer, you must wise up. Do not listen to it. Make way for muscle. Does it hurt to let muscle in? Oh yes it does, but you see muscle is one of those relationships that takes time. You build muscle up. It doesn't feel good at times, but those are only the trying parts that are making the relationship stronger and better. Muscle moves in slowly too. YET, it is very considerate. It does not take up much space. It helps your blood flow. It supports your heart. Allow a little pain for a little while, but you can be slow about it. Muscle is very patient and flexible if you take your time with it.


So, tonight, as I marched toward the torture chamber of fitness, my body sensed the smell of Chinese food from the restaurant next door wafting through the air. It tried to lure me in. I said, "NO! We are going in." My body didn't like this whatsoever. It said, "You are going to work out for how long?" "60 minutes,"I reply. "Oh please no," it begs and pleads with me like a small child clinging to a bottle. My eyes are fixed ahead and I silence the cries. My response is, "A good relationship takes hard work, time, and dedication." I resolved that, for my body, I'd go the extra mile. So, instead of running three miles tonight, I ran four.


Yes, I had to ignore the pleas and cries of longing for that old sedentary, yet comfortable, relationship. I had to push on. In the end, I showed my body what was better. It calmed down and actually felt better in the end. "Was that so bad?" I finally say. "Actually, not at all," it responds, "let's do this again sometime."


MORAL OF THE STORY: The longer you let your body form an attachment to fat, the harder it will be to sever the relationship. BUT, if you just persist, it will understand what a good relationship is and accept Muscle as the better partner.

Church is Where the Heart is

My search for a new church here has been an interesting one.  At the same time, it has made me well aware of exactly what I want in a church and what I believe a church should be.  I think once you find the one that you know is right, you feel it in your HEART. When that feeling is not totally there, you know you need to continue looking.


My church hunt has left me feeling like GOLDILOCKS because there was just a little something that made me feel the church was not JUST RIGHT for me.


I started out going to a place down the road.  I liked it in a sense because the people there were very friendly.  I did think it was very considerate of them to reach out to me the way that they did. However, after I listened to some sermons, I just didn't feel right about it.  I do not believe that God is a formula who you can just add up 1+2=3 and say you've got it and go on.  That's what I got out of that church.  Every sermon gave you a formula for how to be a Christian, and I just didn't feel like I was getting much out of it. (MAMA BEAR)


Then, I attended a Baptist church with some family members in the area.  I really enjoyed being there with them.  In the end, though, I actually felt the church was a little big to be my home church.  I felt the need for something smaller and more intimate. (PAPA BEAR)


So, I searched 30 pages of churches online one Sunday morning to see if I could find something that seemed right to me.  I settled on one that seemed okay (I didn't feel that "just right" feeling), and I couldn't find anything better.  So, I just went there.  I was the least satisfied with this one because I felt like I was at a concert.  I just didn't feel like I was worshipping God.  Others may have, and that's great if they did.  For me, I just felt like I was being entertained.  I don't need entertainment, and I didn't really even want it. (UNCLE BUCKY BEAR...I just made him up because I needed an "out there" bear)


After my search, I came to a point where I actually had a set of criteria.


1.) I want a church that isn't trying to prove itself to me as to what it can do for me.  I want one that is not too big.  Some place where I feel like I'm with family.
2.) I want a church that is willing to sing some old-fashioned hymns and not only contemporary music.  While contemporary music has its value, there is nothing wrong with a good hymn to me.
3.) I want a church that doesn't STRESS about DRESS.  In other words, don't be all about wearing jeans/dressing down OR all about dressing up.  Let people dress how they want to honor God.  I personally prefer dressing up because I'm going to the Lord's house.  But others would be focused more on themselves in that kind of dress.  But why is our dress a point that matters? Doesn't our heart to GOD matter more?


I really was wondering if I was going to find this when I happened upon a church's website last week.  It was a Christian & Missionary Alliance church, which did not sound familiar to me.  So, I asked my parents what that was.  Their website sounded great.  Plus, they had posted sermons online for me to hear, and I liked what I heard.  It turns out that one of my favorite veterans of the faith, A.W. Tozer, pastored several CMA churches.  Therefore, I became very excited to attend.  Oddly enough, the church was EVERYTHING I was hoping for down to the last point.  I couldn't believe it.  A nice woman came up to me and invited me to sit next to her.  The church had people of all ages, and I really felt as though they were all there to focus on Jesus.  It was so soothing and comfortable.  My heart felt at HOME. (BABY BEAR)

“In almost everything that touches our everyday life on earth, God is pleased when we're pleased. He wills that we be as free as birds to soar and sing our maker's praise without anxiety.”

- A. W. Tozer