Sunday, September 19, 2010

Do not lie to me; Do not lie to yourself

I am not one to become close with people easily and quickly.  For about almost anyone I meet, it takes me quite a few good weeks before I feel comfortable enough to open up to them.  This has nothing to do with an conscious decision I've made; it's just that I find it a waste of time to become close to somebody who does not really want to be my friend.  And I think, to be honest, that most people do not really want to be friends, not really.  Perhaps my perception is skewed; this is simply the experience that I have faced much of the time.  So, this is why I take time to get close to people. Like I said, it isn't that I deliberately make myself do it.  I just automatically feel distanced until I feel I can trust someone.

Once I open up that place in my heart, it is a lasting and strong bond I have with anyone I become close to.  Letting someone be a part of my life for me is something I will not go back on (unless that person betrays me in some way).  The fact of the matter stands that I firmly believe that many people wanting nothing more than a self-serving relationship.  They want somebody who will be there for them--not somebody who they want to be there for.  They want a friend who will make them look good in a superficial way.  They are entirely afraid of being alone.  We all can fear loneliness; yet, there is an extent to which we all must be able to function as individuals because you never know who will or will not be in your life at any given moment.

That said, I experienced a situation recently where I was pretty frustrated and rather dismayed at what I perceived to be the very type of relationship I have just described.  Now, let me preface this with the fact that, when I even begin to feel as though somebody has bad intentions, I immediately distance myself and that person hardly ever hears from me (if ever).  

Well, when I moved here, my first goal was not really to make friends.  It was more to get settled, find my way around and, if I happened to find people who would be friends, GREAT.  If not, that's fine too  I began to attend a few gatherings where, I admit, I provided some contact information.  Because I was really trying to get a feel for if it was something I wanted to be a part of.  Well, experiencing feelings of discomfort or superficiality, I quickly decided that I didn't want to be a part of it.  I never wanted to join a sorority for this reason. Granted, I do have friends from college who I believe are genuine caring people and I think there are exceptions to every situation. I will never become part of any group that resembles a  superficial level of "friendship."  I will be there for my friends whether they pay me or not, whether they write me a "thank you" note or not, whether they r.s.v.p. to an event I host or not, and I know that my real friends will be there for me likewise.  I'm not saying that friendships mean that you treat your friends however you want.  I'm saying that friendship is not contingent on minuscule and insignificant things.  Plus, I do not make friends so that I can have somebody there for me.  That is never my intent.  I make friends because those people are a joy to be around,  they are HONEST and real people, and I can be myself with them.

I have deviated very far from what I was going to say.  So, now I digress.  I have received countless e-mails from this group to whom I provided my contact information. I was only at the group two times way back when I first arrived in the summer.  As soon as I found out that, if I attended any more functions, it would then be expected of me to be involved in everything, that I decided not to do it.  I knew my job was coming up and I knew it would be unfair to me and to them to dedicate myself to something that I didn't have time to dedicate myself to.  Well, now, hundreds of e-mails discussing various events and things have been exchanged between these people, and I have seen them on my e-mail.  Of course, nobody asked me where I was.  I didn't expect them to because I thought it was understood by my absence that I was not going to be a part of it.

Well, an e-mail came out recently about a function discussing things needed for the function.  Soon after, I get a call from somebody saying they'd love to hang out with me and wonders if I've been getting the e-mails ('s been months and now you care?), oh and oh yeah am I coming to the function and could I possibly help with it.  Oh AHA! Now, I get it.  Yes, you want me to help.  Don't tell me you want to hang out, and that you wonder if I have gotten the e-mails, etc. etc. when your point is that you need help.  Yes, maybe you feel guilty that you didn't bother to say anything sooner and you are trying to cushion things with those words, but I feel they are dishonest.  If I have e-mailed somebody many times and never heard back from them and I really wanted to hang out,  I wouldn't wait two months to find out if they were getting my e-mails.  And if somebody really wants something from me, then tell me you want something from me.  That's fine.  I'm actually okay with that.  I just prefer honesty above anything else.