Monday, March 22, 2010
The story of how my husband and I developed and grew our relationship is one that has often remained in my memory in pieces. People will ask me about how I met him, if I knew he was "the one" right away, what drew me to him, etc. I usually come through with the best rendition of how it all happened that I can remember at the time. However, there are those times when I'll be thinking about the whole thing and I'll have an "oh yeah!" moment or "wow! I almost forgot about that." So, I am going to start writing some of these things down because my husband and I truly have a remarkable story and we could not have invented it or planned it ourselves if we tried.
When he and I first started talking, I had an instant feeling I had met the man I would marry. I remember our first conversation, and I also recall, very vividly, this feeling that I needed to "dig deeper" into this guy. I felt like I could see him for more than what he even wanted to portray of himself to me. I wasn't 100% certain, though, that I knew him through and through. It was just a feeling I had deep inside of me. We talked and I remember wanting to just continue talking to him and learning about him. Obviously, we were both guarded to an extent (well because you always are when meeting somebody new) and I began to doubt if my initial feelings were correct. "Maybe you're just dreaming this," I'd tell myself. "Maybe this is just what you want it to be but not what it is."
And so it happened (and I no longer remember how or why) that we decided we were going to stop talking. I wish I could remember why we decided this. But it was only about a week or so after we had started talking that we decided to stop. Perhaps I got frustrated or maybe he did or who knows. Either way, we went for only a short while not talking. I felt that I could not stand it not to talk to him. And, little did I know it, but he was going through the same turmoil. We both felt the need to talk to each other so much that we contacted each other again at the exact same time.
From then on, we did not have a time when we chose not to talk again. ;) But it wasn't exactly easy. I don't want to speak for him or for his feelings, but I will say what I believe was going on. I believe that we both had such strong feelings for each other that neither of us was sure if we should trust them. We both had a feeling (as if it were some divine illumination) that the other person was the one we would marry. I even recall one specific incident when he said to me, "I think you are the person I'm supposed to marry. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to meet the person I'm supposed to marry yet." I had to respect that! His honesty has always been so refreshing to me. :) Still, though, we were both a little halfway there and halfway holding back. I remember wondering if it would all be worth it to hold out. I was hoping my feelings were right. I wanted him to be who I knew he was, but how can you not doubt yourself when something so unbelievable could possibly be happening?
One night, as I laid down to go to sleep, I thought to myself, "Maybe this won't work out in the end." I went to sleep and I had a very vivid dream that I will not forget. I was in a truck with him and he began driving me down a smooth, dirt path. It seemed nice and I was ready for the drive. Soon, though, the terrain began to get a little bit rough. And I was worried but I thought maybe the road would get smoother soon. Well, it didn't. Soon there were boulders and tree trunks coming out of the ground and I wondered if I should have gotten in the truck with him in the first place! I grabbed on to the seat and handle for dear life asking him to please stop. All he said was, "Just trust me!" So, I shut my mouth and hoped I wouldn't die. As the road turned into a mountainous trail with rocks and trees, we came to a point where there was nothing but a cliff. The divide was so wide that I knew I had made a mistake. I screamed at him to stop right there! He said, "Just trust me. Everything will be fine." Then, he hit the gas hard and we went clear over the cliff. On the other side, we landed on a smooth road with fresh green grass on the sides. I took a deep breath and realized that the uncertainty and tests of trust had been all worth it.
And that is how it panned out into reality too. The uncertainty that I felt while he was in Iraq wondering if I should hold out has now become a thing of the past. And it has, without a doubt, made our appreciation of and our love for each other stronger.