Trying To Do It All

Asking for help is one of the most difficult things for me to do.  I hate it.  Why? Because I feel that if I have to ask somebody else for help, I've just thrown my problem on them.  Then, I start to feel guilty that somebody else has to deal with my mess or my problem just because I was unable to handle it myself.  


My mom is a mentor mom for a program called MOPS (mothers of preschoolers). A few months ago she was part of a panel where she created scenarios for the young mothers to get together and figure out.  All of the scenarios were intended to help them think about how to handle various things.  Well, one of the scenarios was: You have a friend who is a single mother.  What are some ways that you could help her?  A lot of the answers involved offering to babysit, coming over and spending time with her, inviting her over, etc.  I think those are all great ideas.  But then I asked my mom, "What if she is too afraid to accept that help? What if she doesn't want to put her children on somebody else?"  Of course I asked this thinking that's probably something I'd struggle with if I was in that situation.  


But, honestly, many of us are like this.  I know it.  I have known many people who have had trouble asking somebody to watch their kids because they want to try to handle it themselves.


As many people know, I have had to spend periods of time by myself managing things while my husband has been in training.  I don't even know how I did it for awhile there without breaking down and crying.  I was juggling a dog, a cat, kittens climbing everywhere, the dog eating out of the cat pan (nowhere to put it).  I also dealt with a new job and having to learn tons of new things in the middle of the year.  Every time I felt on top of things something else came out of left field. My grandmother's dementia had gotten so bad that she had to go into a home (and there have been many times when we thought she was going to die).  My husband had recently left for Georgia and when I really wanted him here the most I knew he couldn't be here.  But did I want to tell anybody about this? No.  I wanted to handle it on my own because I didn't want other people dealing with my mess.


So, it came to a head.  My husband came back from Georgia in April and he saw that I could not handle it.  It worried him.  We sat down and had a long talk.  I admitted I had been to scared to ask people for help.  I was so convinced in my mind that I could do it myself.  The whole experience was very cathartic for me because I came to a point where I had no choice but to just start admitting there are times when I need help.


And, as soon as his leave ended (and I was back to handling things alone again), I began to let people know I'd be glad for their help.  This weekend, my mother came down.  I felt invigorated and refreshed by all that I accomplished with her here! It is so much more fun getting things done with another person than doing them by yourself.  We boxed up items for moving, we sorted through clothes that need to be donated, we worked out, we went grocery shopping, she helped me clean, we went to Lowes and got a few things that I needed to make some repairs.  And I KNOW that I would not have felt so amazing about it without her.  My mother-in-law is also willing to help and I'm going to take her up on that too. :)  I feel so much more energetic and able to accomplish things.


Strangely enough, I don't feel like I'm dumping my mess or problems on other people, I feel like I'm just getting enough help so that I truly can deal with the things that I need to do.

You want me to do WHAT?

If I give you a cupcake....

(Just look at how absolutely scrumptious and delectable it is! You know you can hardly resist!)

...would you be so kind as to do a favor for me? I promise it really won't take that long.  In fact, I doubt it will take longer than one minute! 

Please, simply stick your head into this guillotine...

Screeech! Lets grind this negotiation to a halt! You want me to do WHAT? 

Yes, just stick your head in the guillotine.  It won't be a big deal and it won't hurt at all.

You're kidding me, right? At that point, the cupcake would be worthless to me and it's not looking so appetizing anymore.

But I didn't yell at you and demand that you get into it.  I was actually very nice to you! I said it with a smile on my face.  In fact, I even said "please!" On top of all of that I'm GIVING YOU A CUPCAKE.

I don't care! No cupcake is worth going through that kind of torture.  You don't get it! IT'S MY LIFE THAT'S ON THE LINE HERE! DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS YOU'RE ASKING ME TO DO?!?!

Are you getting an ATTITUDE with me now? Well, hey, let's just forget the cupcake and all the niceties.  Now, I'm going to tell you, your head is going into that guillotine, or else!

How many misconceptions do we have about things on a regular basis? We think and we think.  We take our time to solve a problem in the best way possible and sometimes our solutions make so much sense to us that we cannot understand why they do not work!  Something clearly must be wrong with the other person because this makes total sense.

Aha! However, if the other person perceives what you are communicating in a way totally different than how you understand it, you could probably pile up prizes and rewards and still not come to a compromise.  Sometimes, the root of the problem is more than what you think it is.

How much worse do we make it when we don't even try to see it from their point of view?  This is something that is very hard to do and often takes a lot of time and thinking to understand.  But if my butter knife is somebody else's guillotine, I need to realize that about that person when talking about butter knives.

You perceptive people out there probably realize this blog is entirely symbolic.  I have done it to make a point.  Originally, the topic was going to be more concentrated on things pertaining to me.  Then, I decided to leave it this way because we all deal with this.  We come up with a sensible plan that looks GREAT....in our mind...

Expectations

Isn't it funny how we become accustomed to expect certain things to happen? Then, like little children, we become immensely disappointed when they don't?  The Bible tells us "do not worry about tomorrow for you never know what a day will bring forth."  Based on the connotation of the word "worry," the first thing that comes to most of our minds is something negative.  For example, "Do not get upset or expect bad things to happen tomorrow."  However, it could also say, "Do not get excited about tomorrow," or , "Your plans are subject to change."  It's all the same.  It all means the same thing.


The catch, however, is that so often things do go as we plan.  It is likely that when my alarm clock goes off in the morning, I'm going to have to get up and go to school.  It is not likely that the school will have vanished over night or that there will suddenly be snow in 60 degree weather.  Then, of course, my commute is almost always the same.  I know when to leave so as to avoid getting into traffic.  My routine and schedule at school are almost always the same (give or take a few things here and there).  So, it is very hard for me to train my mind to understand that I really don't know what a day will bring.  So often the things I expect to happen do happen.  Yet, it is the times when things do not go according to the way that I thought they would that I understand I really can't plan on anything.  Somehow, we still have to plan.  Funny, isn't it?


This morning, I was thirsty and I really wanted something cold to drink.  I didn't have any spare change. I also didn't have a cold drink.  Normally, I would just have to deal with it.  But a girl accidentally received two beverages when she purchased one from the drink machine this morning (I guess the other one was stuck) and I just happened to be standing right there when she said, "Do you want this? I didn't mean to get two."  I gladly accepted, and I was quite thankful for the positive outcome.  I definitely could not have expected that.


But it isn't the positive outcomes that we must grapple with.  I doubt any of us are upset when things unexpectedly turn out in our favor.  It is when things unexpectedly turn out the way that we don't want them to go that we get irritated, annoyed, upset, etc.  When I am on my way home from work and there is an accident holding me up, I heave a sigh of frustration and think, "Really?"  When I want to talk to my mother and I call her and she's not there because she's busy, I do get disappointed.  That's not her fault.  But we all do deal with the let down of not getting what we hoped for, don't we? There were a few times that my mother was expecting to come down and visit me.  Instead, I went up there.  She was disappointed.  She wouldn't let it affect her, though.  But it's like waiting for that wonderful, exciting thing only to find out, well, it isn't happening.  


I don't know what the solution is to dealing with these things.  Yet, we must simply accept them as they are and look for what we DO have to be thankful for.  But our disappointment with things not turning out as we hoped they would still arises when these things happen.  It really isn't any one person's fault.  And who knows what you are hoping, expecting, and wishing for in your heart and mind? Nobody. 


To hope for time with loved ones only to find out you'll have to spend the evening alone
To spend hours working on a meal only to have your family tell you that they don't like it
To spend hours cleaning in order to impress somebody just to have them point out a tiny spot you missed as if everything else you did doesn't matter
To work hard on a project only to have your computer crash
To pick out a car you love after looking all day only to have your spouse decide he/she doesn't like it at all
To steam clean the carpets only to have the dog eliminate on them soon after that
To do everything in your power in order to please a person just to find out you didn't do enough or you didn't do the thing he/she was quietly hoping you would


ALL of these things are cause for frustration and disappointment.  The outcome is not what you expected, but even then, there is still so much to be happy about.


To be glad you have loved ones to spend time with in the first place
To be glad that you won't have to waste your time making that meal again
To be glad the rest of the place is clean anyway
To be glad you didn't have hand write it and you have the luxury of a computer to work faster
To be glad you have a spouse who is honest
To be glad you have a steam cleaner and carpeting
To be glad you did as much as you could and you know you worked hard for that person


I still struggle with focusing on the important things I should be glad about.  And I will still set out to do it.  After all, disappointments can simply be a way of reminding me not to take the small things for granted.  Can you think of your own disappointment and thing to be glad for? If so, let me know.

Relationships

There has been a chain of events occurring recently that has me reflecting on relationships.  I am going to break this blog up into three parts because there are three different things I've pondered on when it comes to relationships recently.

1. Pay ATTENTION Ladies

Whenever the news media begins to hash out news about affairs, I often try to avoid listening to it at all costs.  It really hurts me to know that somebody is going through something so embarrassing, hurtful, and traumatic only to have all of the messy details of it displayed for all to see/hear so that news ratings go up.  It makes me sick to know that people can shamelessly report on that without feeling any sensitivity to the person suffering from this marital affair.  My heart goes out to those women.

However, even though I have made efforts to turn off the radio, look away from magazines, and change the television channel, there are little snapshots from these stories involving Jon Gosselin, Tiger Woods, Jesse James, etc. that I have noticed and it makes me want to take these women, shake them, and yell at them in their faces.  Every time, it is the SAME SONG AND DANCE!!!! Doesn't it get OLD?? The man has told some other woman that his relationship with the current women is "not working out" they are "getting divorced" or he makes elaborate plans with the new woman to "get out of the old relationship and into the new one."  DON'T THESE WOMEN PAY ATTENTION? HELLO!!!! He will say whatever he can to get whatever he wants out of you and then move on with his way.  If he could keep things the way he'd have them he'd have his wife and his woman on the side too! I can't believe these women keep falling for the same trick.  IT IS THE SAME THING EVERY TIME WITH EVERY ONE OF THEM.  Then, their excuse is, "Well, he's the bad one.  He lied to me.  I didn't know."  Sorry, lady, yes, you did know.  POINT BLANK: Stay AWAY from married men! Those women knew that, no matter what that man said he was married, and they should have stayed away.  They are JUST as guilty.

2. There will ALWAYS be somebody who could possibly sabotage your relationship if you let them

There is currently a song on the radio that I absolutely hate.  In fact my husband and I both hate it.  As I was riding along in his truck with him this past week, the song came on, he turned it down or changed the station and said, "She is always singing about this same thing every time!" I laughed and agreed.  The song, which I'm sure many other people have heard, is called "According to You."  Granted, I can't judge her personal relationship, but I think the song is bad news.  The main lines say, "According to you, I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right.  But according to him, I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.."  I do not condone abusive relationships and I think that you should get out of a truly abusive relationship.

BUT anybody who has just met you or doesn't know you can think you're fantastic. They don't see you on your good days and bad days in and out.  And I do believe that song has fed an idea that is hazardous.  People becomes dissatisfied in their current relationships and as soon as something seems better they fall for it easily.  My husband and I pledged "for better or for worse" and I pray we will remember that.

My parents advised me growing up that, when you are married, you do not go to a person of the opposite sex other than your spouse because that is dangerous ground. A couple of years ago, I read a book where a woman recounted a major mistake she made in her marriage.  She was going through an issue that her husband didn't understand.  So, she found herself talking to a male friend about these things and he seemed to understand so much better than her husband.  Soon, she felt as though he just understood her better, and she started wanting to go to him for more things.  Luckily, she snapped out of it and quit talking to him.  But she realized that she was playing with fire.  Since her husband didn't understand one little thing, it soon SEEMED like he didn't understand more and more things, which she realized was not true.  This other person was simply an idea.  

When I made my vows to my husband, part of that vow is that I am not going to go to any other man about something even if I feel my husband doesn't understand.  Because we will easily fall into that "but according to HIM" trap that can destroy even an amazing relationship. Nobody is perfect, and this leads me to my last point.

3. Contentment is Essential

On the phone tonight I thanked my husband for putting up with me because I know I can be difficult at times.  He replied saying that there is nothing to "put up with."  But I said, "I know I can get emotional sometimes and I know that I make mistakes on a daily basis.."  His answer was,  "Well, everyone does that."  He doesn't see me as anything difficult, but I know I can work on things.  I know I can work on being less emotional about certain things.  But I am thankful that he loves me in spite of it and doesn't see it as a thing at all.

In return, he thanked me for loving him in spite of himself as well.  Of course, I had a similar response because I didn't see those things in him as burdensome.  But he knows and I know that we both choose to see the positive in the other person.  Because anybody who will live with you and be with you day in and out for years will see the good, bad, and ugly. That person is a precious treasure in your life who we ought to cherish and be thankful for.

Growing Together

I strongly believe that, in a relationship, you can make two choices.  You either grow together or you grow apart.  I have been infinitely blessed by being able to grow together with my husband.  We do our best to work as a team and learn from each other as we can.  
Do I listen to him when he corrects something I do or makes a suggestion to me? Oh yes, of course, 100% of the time without fail I wish I could say that I did, but I do not.  Many times, I am so convinced I am correct about something that I cannot possibly see how he could be right.  Thanks to the grace of God, I often come around later on, when my emotions or pride are no longer blurring my vision, and I can see his point of view.  Sometimes, it takes me noticing something that another person is doing to realize when I was wrong.  Likewise, there are things that I want him to realize when I want him to realize them, but he doesn't.  But that's OKAY because I have faith that he will see certain things in time (which he has in certain areas) just as I haven't realized things he'd want me to realize right away.  
I believe that strong relationships have to take understanding and realizing the other person is just human.  ALL humans do things that are foolish and ridiculous.  That's why the Bible compares us to sheep! We'd run into our own trap if left to our own devices.  And I cannot tell you how listening to my husband and growing with him reminds me of that. 
 I will start talking to him about something and he will quickly stop me to say, "Rebecca, that's gossiping.  Why do you care so much about their lives?" And I will shut up and realize that I was wrong.  Other times, he will calm me down when I start to get frustrated or upset with a situation.  In the same way, I try to calm him down when he starts to get upset.  But, again, we are all human and we all will do these things.  The important part of it is to learn from them and thank God for his constant grace and patience with us.
Every day I pray that God will allow us to grow together and never apart.  I love my husband and I know he loves me.  Life WILL bring us challenges and we often will not get things the way we want them.  But having things the way you want them does not build character.  
The key to contentment is being happy no matter what you're given...no matter what your circumstance.  Yesterday, I did not want to leave my husband.  I was SO HAPPY being with him nonstop and I had missed him so much while we were apart.  Yet, I knew the time had to come to and end as I had to go back to work.  I felt like just leaving my job so I could be with him.  But the thing is that certain things have to happen even if we don't want them to.  And I need to thank God for the things we are given as we're given them.  No amount of money, nice house, or situation brings happiness.  It comes in the heart.  I am remembering to be thankful for what I am given when I am given it.  And I am grateful to have a husband who grows with me.
Tonight, I was with my in-laws and they were talking about how much their son has changed in just one year.  They didn't know me awhile back, but they'd say the same thing about me.  My mom says that he and I complement each other well.  We do.  We have learned to grow from each other, encourage one another, as well as challenge one another regularly.  And I believe that is what has helped us to grow together as we have.
"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12-13

A Long-Awaited Time Has Come

On January 1, 2010, I sat motionless on the couch in the living room after my husband hugged and kissed me goodbye to be on his way to OCS in Georgia.  I didn't know what to do with myself when he was gone.  I knew that the class would be 12 weeks long and that I could handle it with trips to see each other.  However, I didn't expect the wave of emotion that would overtake me when he left.  I didn't want to go anywhere.  I just wanted to sit there, do nothing, touch nothing in hopes that perhaps that would make it feel like he would come back faster.


A few days later, I mustered up the courage to venture outside.  I ran a few errands, and I started to feel better.  Still, though, I longed to be with him and cannot even describe in words what it felt like to be apart.  Just imagine you are trying to function with only half of your body.


When he arrived in Georgia, he was told he would have to wait longer for his class to start.  We hoped and prayed that he would get in with no problems.  The competition seemed as though it could be tough.  He made it in.  Then, it seems, that we spent much of the rest of the time hoping and praying for various things.  Some of the things we hoped and prayed for came to fruition.  Some did not.  One of the most magnificent things that did come to be, though, was that my husband successfully completed the officer training course and will be named an Army Officer on Thursday, April 8, 2010!! I am beyond excited for him and infinitely proud!  


I long to be with him again, to see him, to hold him, to enjoy times together laughing and being together as we should be.  Because a husband and wife ARE one and should be one.  Those words are powerful and very true.  This time that we have been apart could have caused us to drift further or grow closer.  We have grown so much closer that I feel the oneness that I believe we should be feeling as husband and wife.  We both have matured through the experience.  We've learned to try not to take any thing, no matter how small, for granted.  Because you will miss it in a BIG way when it isn't there anymore.  


My flight leaves tomorrow at 9 am.  Based on the experience from my last flight, I'm not going in with any expectations.  I just pray for a safe arrival.  I wish I could just jump into his arms right now. 


One of the things that we hoped and prayed for that did NOT come to be was for him to be able to return to North Carolina.  I am currently working at a job that I love with coworkers who are great!  I enjoy going to work, and I would hate to leave.  The army isn't for choosers, though.  And they decided that he and I need to be in Kansas in the Fall.  After talking with the lady in charge, though, my husband tried to find out if there was at least a way to stay in Georgia for awhile.  He found out there was.  So, now, I am going to be moving to Georgia.  


I will finally get to be with him on a much more regular basis! YES!!! He will have to be away for periods of time for training.  But I don't care.  Seeing him at least two days a week is better than none at all! Even though I love my job here, there seem to be jobs available in Georgia that I'm applying to.  Plus, I love the town in Georgia much better than the one I live in right now.  So, all in all, we are both tremendously blessed.

The Love of my Life

The story of how my husband and I developed and grew our relationship is one that has often remained in my memory in pieces.  People will ask me about how I met him, if I knew he was "the one" right away, what drew me to him, etc.  I usually come through with the best rendition of how it all happened that I can remember at the time.  However, there are those times when I'll be thinking about the whole thing and I'll have an "oh yeah!" moment or "wow! I almost forgot about that."  So, I am going to start writing some of these things down because my husband and I truly have a remarkable story and we could not have invented it or planned it ourselves if we tried.


When he and I first started talking, I had an instant feeling I had met the man I would marry.  I remember our first conversation, and I also recall, very vividly, this feeling that I needed to "dig deeper" into this guy.  I felt like I could see him for more than what he even wanted to portray of himself to me.  I wasn't 100% certain, though, that I knew him through and through.  It was just a feeling I had deep inside of me.  We talked and I remember wanting to just continue talking to him and learning about him.  Obviously, we were both guarded to an extent (well because you always are when meeting somebody new) and I began to doubt if my initial feelings were correct.  "Maybe you're just dreaming this," I'd tell myself.  "Maybe this is just what you want it to be but not what it is."


And so it happened (and I no longer remember how or why) that we decided we were going to stop talking.  I wish I could remember why we decided this.  But it was only about a week or so after we had started talking that we decided to stop.  Perhaps I got frustrated or maybe he did or who knows.  Either way, we went for only a short while not talking.  I felt that I could not stand it not to talk to him.  And, little did I know it, but he was going through the same turmoil.  We both felt the need to talk to each other so much that we contacted each other again at the exact same time.  


From then on, we did not have a time when we chose not to talk again. ;) But it wasn't exactly easy.  I don't want to speak for him or for his feelings, but I will say what I believe was going on.  I believe that we both had such strong feelings for each other that neither of us was sure if we should trust them.  We both had a feeling (as if it were some divine illumination) that the other person was the one we would marry.  I even recall one specific incident when he said to me, "I think you are the person I'm supposed to marry.  I'm just not sure if I'm ready to meet the person I'm supposed to marry yet." I had to respect that! His honesty has always been so refreshing to me.  :) Still, though, we were both a little halfway there and halfway holding back.  I remember wondering if it would all be worth it to hold out.  I was hoping my feelings were right.  I wanted him to be who I knew he was, but how can you not doubt yourself when something so unbelievable could possibly be happening?  


One night, as I laid down to go to sleep, I thought to myself, "Maybe this won't work out in the end."  I went to sleep and I had a very vivid dream that I will not forget.  I was in a truck with him and he began driving me down a smooth, dirt path.  It seemed nice and I was ready for the drive.  Soon, though, the terrain began to get a little bit rough.  And I was worried but I thought maybe the road would get smoother soon.  Well, it didn't. Soon there were boulders and tree trunks coming out of the ground and I wondered if I should have gotten in the truck with him in the first place!  I grabbed on to the seat and handle for dear life asking him to please stop.  All he said was, "Just trust me!"  So, I shut my mouth and hoped I wouldn't die.  As the road turned into a mountainous trail with rocks and trees, we came to a point where there was nothing but a cliff.  The divide was so wide that I knew I had made a mistake.  I screamed at him to stop right there!  He said, "Just trust me. Everything will be fine."  Then, he hit the gas hard and we went clear over the cliff.  On the other side, we landed on a smooth road with fresh green grass on the sides.  I took a deep breath and realized that the uncertainty and tests of trust had been all worth it.  


And that is how it panned out into reality too.  The uncertainty that I felt while he was in Iraq wondering if I should hold out has now become a thing of the past.  And it has, without a doubt, made our appreciation of and our love for each other stronger.