No, You Can't use the Word "No"

When I was in grad school, we often discussed new methods in classroom management, teaching styles, etc.  One of the things we talked about a lot was how to handle discipline. A trending technique was to avoid any negative wording of rules. You essentially took the word "No" out of your vocabulary so that the students would not feel as though they are being restricted and therefore rebel. Instead, you made them feel as though they had options to choose to do the right thing.  So, instead of writing, "No talking," you would write, "Please sit and work quietly at your desk."


In my first year of teaching, I was so eager to try this out! It sounded so reasonable and practical. I felt I could understand how saying, "No" might make a student feel defiant.  So, I carefully listed all of my rules in a more positive tone.  The only one I really couldn't avoid was, "No Gum." Perhaps I could have said, "Keep gum out of the classroom." However, I felt that was a straightforward rule. Well I posted the rules this way and I did my best to request behavior without just saying no. All I can say, after my experience with it, is that it didn't work. Avoiding that word didn't make a difference. In fact, I noticed that students often responded to the word, "No" better. They had boundaries set. Whether you say "No sleeping in class" or "Please keep your eyes open and  your head up," students who want to rebel will rebel. Period. 


And as I moved on in my career, I noticed that the quietest, most controlled classrooms belonged to teachers who told students "No" and stuck to a consequence when a rule was broken. 


Well, ever since Gordon Lee really started getting around and getting into things, I had to find a way to handle his behavior. Well, I could let him ransack my house and possibly seriously hurt himself, but I wasn't too keen on that. Not surprisingly, the same methodology that circulated in the teaching realm, is abuzz in parenting advice.  Should I avoid telling Gordon Lee "No"? Should I just redirect him? I will admit that I have never questioned myself so much on one thing. Ultimately, I found (just as with the students) that Gordon Lee had the exact SAME reaction to being told "No" as he did to being redirected.  If he wanted to do something, he didn't care if I simply told him he couldn't do it or if I just tried to bring his attention to something else. Plus, sometimes, he would get close to danger so quickly, that I wanted him to learn and understand "No" or "Stop" in case I couldn't get to him fast enough. 

But I will say that I felt so much like a broken record for so long that I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure what the appropriate way to address his behavior was. Still, though, I'd had some experiences that left me feeling like I want my child to understand and respect boundaries and leave it at that. So, I kept saying "No" even if it was for the 100th time. And I kept following through with a consequence. And I also constantly praised him when he did not touch an off-limits object or when he obeyed my instructions.


And after feeling like maybe this wasn't going anywhere, I noticed one day last week that I had only said "No" about a handful of times! My child was beginning to listen and respect boundaries (Yes, I know the terrible twos are still yet to come). And it has really been that way so far since (he does start getting more disobedient when he is getting tired, but that's it). 


And then, as I was lying down to sleep last night, it occurred to me that even God says "Thou shalt not" and "No" without giving us a distraction. And I have settled on the fact that this word is not a bad word. It doesn't need to be avoided. We just need to learn to accept it even when we don't want to.

Hold Your Head Up, Movin' On, Keep Your Head Up, Movin' On

Yesterday was wrought with setbacks.  Waking up 30 minutes earlier than usual, Gordon Lee got things started.  He woke up grumpy.  Not one to disappoint, he decided to maintain this mood for most of the rest of the day.  To make things even better, he would NOT nap for more than 30 minutes.  So, I had one grumpy, sleep-deprived baby on my hands.

While, I was inclined to grumble in my mind, something else kept reminding me to BE THANKFUL.  Focus on the positive.  So, in all of this, I started seeing all of the amazing things. For example, after I watched him go all around the room picking up what seemed like random toys, I noticed he'd put several toys of the same color all in one place! 

Later on, for the sake of our sanity, I decided to take him in the stroller for a jog last night. Being outdoors definitely improved his mood, and he started waving at people and saying, "Hey!" This was brand new! While I was running, the lesson of positivity came to me once again. 
I had been running for about 15 minutes; my goal was to go for at least 30 minutes. I wanted to quit.  When, right on cue, the Eurythmics song "Sweet Dreams" came on.  And the lyrics kept me going.."Hold your head up, movin' on, keep your head up, movin' on." 
While I was thinking about how nice it was to have a refreshing reminder about positivity, I began to realize something else.  While getting through the rough days might mean that you need to "hold your head up" and "move on," something inside me was saying that isn't just it. Maybe the days that seem difficult just need a fresh perspective.  All day long, I felt tired. I didn't get breaks or rest that I wanted. I had to keep "movin' on" because I had no other choice. But the beauty of it is embracing the blessings in all of it. My child is blossoming before my eyes. The weather was beautiful to go out running. 
Thankfully for us today, the trials of yesterday have come to pass. But I think that I am going to aim to not just wait out difficult days because they aren't eternal.  Rather, I want to look for what beauty there is to see among the apparent "wreckage."

Gordon Lee at 1 year

I am still in awe of the fact that in just 1 year, my sweet little boy went from this:

To this:

A child grows and learns so rapidly in the first year! To any new parents out there, it really does fly by.

Here are Gordon Lee's current stats at 1 year

Height- 32.2 inches

Weight 24 lbs

Head Circumference: 18.5 inches (this is the closest estimate as his head kept breaking the tape measure)

His height is almost off the charts in the 97th percentile.  His weight is somewhere in the 50th-70th percentile (I am not sure why the range is so wide). His head circumference is also in the 50th-70th percentile. For anyone confused, percentiles compare him to other babies his age.  So he is taller than 97% of 1-year-olds. 

Right now he is saying a few words

-Mama

-Dada/Daddy.  Sometimes, he calls his Daddy "Yayee." This is when he is super excited.

-Hi/Hey

-Yay

-Yeah

-No

He also has some gestures he uses.

He

-Points

-Waves

-Claps

-Gives high five and low five

-Hugs

-Kisses (not sure if these two are gestures, but I don't know where else they'd go)

-Reaches for who he wants (but this is a pretty old one)

-Plays peek-a-boo

He feeds himself with a fork and a spoon.  He has become very good at this! I still have to get the food onto the fork or spoon, but he will take it from me and put it straight to his mouth.

He likes to pick large objects up and carry them around the room.

He always wants to climb the stairs.

He tries to climb up on the furniture, but it is just a little too high for him right now.

He has also gotten very big on copying people.  He will try to get you to do something so he can copy it.

He also likes to bring things to people and put his toys in a box or a bag.

I am probably leaving stuff out.  The growth and development is so rapid!

Duckcakes

For Gordon Lee's 1st birthday, we had two separate parties. We had friends and family who wanted to be a part of his big day, and it made more sense to have one party in NC and one in VA.  The first party had a rubber duck theme. So, to add some creative flair, I decided to try a recipe for duck cupcakes. First, my sister-in-law and I did a test run with the cupcakes.  I had been to various blogs reading about other people's experiences with the cupcakes, and I had some changes I was going to make. The trial run was definitely just that! The ducks looked sad to say the best.  So, when I went to make the ones for the party I had worked out the kinks in the recipe, and they came out okay.


After the party (and sharing pictures), I have had numerous people ask me how I made them.  So, I will share it here! Unfortunately, I was multitasking in preparing for both parties.  So, I didn't have time to take pictures of the process.  But I will share pictures as best as possible.

So, here is how I made these bad boys.  First of all, let me show you how they are SUPPOSED to look.

Yeah...NOWHERE in ANYONE'S pictures (and I saw several places where people tried these) did the cupcakes even remotely resemble this one. I am assuming that beautiful cupcake for the picture was made in a fancy studio and not a home kitchen. 


RECIPE
2 boxes of cake mix (the recipe calls for vanilla; I used yellow)
2-3 jars of vanilla, white or cream cheese frosting
Yellow food coloring
1 bag of standard-sized marshmallows
Mini M&Ms or Chocolate chips
Baby goldfish for beaks (or orange fruit chews if you want to follow the original recipe)
This makes 24 cupcakes. 20 are supposed to be heads up and 4 tails up. I made more like half heads up and half tails up.  For feet, my SIL melted down orange chocolate and piped out feet we stuck on the duck later.

First, I am going to go through some changes I made.

1.) The recipe calls for donut holes as heads.  I tried that.  The heads tasted odd with a cupcake.  Plus, when I tried to stick a beak and eyes on, the head fell apart.

Instead, I opted to make cake pops for heads, which tasted MUCH better and held up better.

2.) The recipe called for orange fruit chews for beaks and feet (on the butt up ducks).  Well, everywhere, people said that the beaks were so heavy, they just fell off. By looking at those pictures, most of the ducks were losing their beaks and looked very sad.  So, I decided not to struggle with it.  Instead, I found baby goldfish that I stuck in there for beaks.

3.) The others who shared their ducks had similar problems with the eyes.  The recipe says to use white frosting as a dot and place mini M&Ms on them for eyes.  However, the eyes were falling off as well.  So, I used chocolate chips sticking the pointed part into the duck's head. 

My beaks and eyes stayed on very well.

Alright, so onto making the cupcakes.

FIRST- Make cake pops.  I was intimidated by this at first, but cake pops are insanely easy to make.

1.) Bake a cake.

2.) Let it cool

3.) Crumble it up into a bowl

4.) Add some frosting and form into balls

5.) Freeze (The cupcakes needed to be frozen as well.  So what I did was make the cake pop heads and have them freeze with the cupcakes together.)

SECOND- Bake the cupcakes.

I used yellow cake.  

THIRD- While the cupcakes are baking, there are two things to do.

1.) Cut marshmallows in half diagonally and set aside in a bowl

2.) Dye frosting yellow (I used cream cheese frosting).

3.) Place some of the yellow frosting in a zip lock bag squeezed to the corner for piping.

FOURTH- When the cupcakes are finished, frost them after you let them cool.

1.) Place the cake pop head and marshmallow tail on top of the frosted cupcake
2.) Freeze for about 3-4 hours (more if desired). They need to be good and frozen.


FIFTH- Take out of the freezer


1.) Melt down frosting in microwave for about 20-45 seconds.  This is going to depend greatly on the power of the microwave.  The recipe suggest microwaving for 45 seconds..stirring often. However, when I did it that long, the frosting came out like a liquid.  The consistency should be more like a whipped cream.  So, 20-25 seconds in our microwave worked for me. 


2.) Dip each cupcake in the frosting.


3.) Use the frosting in the bag to pipe in frosting where dipping the cupcake didn't cover it completely.


As an added note: You will need A LOT of frosting.  You need at least 2 jars and possibly 3.


The result: A duck cupcake fit for a 1-year-old or anyone for that matter.  They were a hit and people loved them!

Post-Baby Race #2 - Patriot 5k

Today, we ran the Patriot 5k to kick start the 4th of July.  Hopping out of bed bright and early at 5:45 am, we got ourselves together and out of the door by 6:20.  The race took place in a small town about 30 miles outside of where we live.  Although it was a bit of a drive, it was a nice, scenic route that did not feel long at all.


This race was put on by a high school cross country team.  I have to say they picked a nice route shaded by pine trees.  To begin the race, we listened to a barber shop quartet sing the National Anthem.  I do not think I have heard a barber shop quartet live ever, and I felt it was a very nice touch.

We also had a brass band from the high school playing numerous patriotic tunes as we ran along. I had brought my iPod along but I could still hear them over my own music, and I have to say they were very talented and added a fun vibe to the race.

My husband was determined to have Gordon Lee flying in the jogging stroller.  And he must have anticipated this because he was hanging on like he was ready for a roller coaster ride at the start. With over 300 runners, this was a big race for a small town.  And a lot of people had jogging strollers. It would have been nice had there been a prize for a "stroller division." However, there was no such thing.  Lee did make it in the top 200 and received a medal for it! As I was running, I noticed a lot of fathers pushing jogging strollers, and I really liked that.  They were not too "manly" to push a stroller along.  In fact, if you can push something and run at the same time, it's actually harder than running alone.


So, as for me,  I crossed the finish at about 36 minutes. My first mile was 10 minutes, and I know my last mile was fast because I gradually picked up speed as I knew I got closer.  I came to a point where I had an old man and a girl with a limp in front of me. And I just couldn't let either one of them beat me. So, I flew past them in a high-speed sprint across the finish line. I slowed down during mile 2 because there was a hill and since I didn't know the course, I didn't know how long it would last.  I think if I had not slowed down during that mile, I would have finished in around 30-33 minutes.  However, I am still pleased with my time.


So far, we do not have pictures of us.  I was unable to take a picture of Lee or the baby as they finished the race before I did.  And I was fairly exhausted when I finished. Lee did record a video of me finishing the race. However, it is a very large file.  So right now, I am waiting on photos from other participants.  These photos I posted were shared with the Facebook page for the race.  They are encouraging users to upload pictures.  And if I find any of us, I will post them here.


I will share a very short video that Lee got of me coming to the finish line.  I was about to overtake that man and girl in front of me to beat them by a few seconds at the end (there is a longer, larger version but my blog isn't interested in uploading it).

Tomato Tomahto

It all started Sunday at church with a sermon on Ecclesiastes and The Byrds' song "Turn! Turn! Turn!" The words jumped out at me among all the rest speaking about how there is a time for everything.  There is "a time to speak up and a time to be silent." "For everything, there is a season and a purpose..." 

Then, it weaved its way into my Monday. My mother called to tell me about a segment appearing on Anderson Cooper discussing attachment parenting.  This topic intrigues me even though I've chosen not to adopt any one parenting style.  On the segment, they merely shared different points of view.  Some people were all for the parenting style and others felt that it wouldn't work for them.  However, it sparked debate.  And after watching discussions of these types, I am starting to see past all of the flurry to what's really going on.  Moms are feeling judged and they are "fighting" mostly to be at peace with themselves and their choices.  Because there is somebody somewhere ready and willing to tell these women what they should and shouldn't be doing. I know because I recognized these feelings in myself. And I have come to terms with how I am parenting. I love my child and that is where I am settling it.  Any time I hear harsh words of criticism I remind myself that I love my child and he knows it.  So, I am fine with that.

Next, I remembered something I read last week about having a birth photographer.  People were arguing about whether birth was a beautiful experience worth photographing. On one side, people who did not see birth as a beautiful thing were speaking as if somebody who wanted a birth photographer was crazy.  To this, those in the other camp felt hurt and offended (understandably so) and rose up with harsh comments saying that those who do not see this beauty are "close-minded." To me, both sides were completely in the wrong for their statements. Everyone knows that all people have different personalities. We make our choices based on personality.  Some people are shy and some are outgoing.  Some like it quiet and some feel the need for noise.  And no pushing of your preferences on somebody else is going to change that person's preferences.  We need to be okay with that. For me, I wouldn't want a photographer during labor.  Yes, I see birth as a beautiful thing in its own way, but I remember it enough that I just don't want pictures.  BUT somebody else might and what business is it of mine if she does? None. 

I am seeing people work themselves up into a frenzy because somebody else sees things differently.  This is a complete waste of energy. And here, I am back to my introduction.  There is "a time to speak up and a time to be silent." If some mother is leaving her kids in a hot car with the window rolled up, there is a time to speak up. If somebody else is choosing to let her child sleep in her bed, there is a time to be silent. We do not all need to have the same preferences. Do we consider that some mothers feel better by being with their children?  And telling them that they are "not allowed" to is so silly.  Likewise, there are others who feel drained and need personal time. I am definitely in that camp.  They shouldn't be made to feel bad for wanting just 1-2 hours alone. Ultimately, both people are doing a fine job.  And I think in trying to justify ourselves we start attacking others. Because if everybody just does what we do, we won't ever feel judged or alienated.  Yet, this isn't going to happen and I'm noticing that trying to do it just leads to arguments over the most trivial things.


And for those of you familiar with "Gulliver's Travels," I am reminded of the "Big Endians" and "Little Endians" starting a war over which end of an egg to crack.


I can't help but think of the song "Let's Call the Whole thing Off"
Things have come to a pretty pass, 
Our romance is growing flat,
For you like this and the other
While I go for this and that.
Goodness knows what the end will be,
Oh, I don't know where I'm at...
It looks as if we two will never be one,
Something must be done.

You say eether and I say eyether,
You say neether and I say nyther,
Eether, eyether, neether, nyther,
Let's call the whole thing off!
You like potato and I like potahto,
You like tomato and I like tomahto,
Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto!
Let's call the whole thing off!
But oh! If we call the whole thing off,
Then we must part.
And oh! If we ever part,
Then that might break my heart!
So, if you like pajamas and I like pajahmas,
I'll wear pajamas and give up pajahmas.
For we know we need each other, 
So we better call the calling off off.
Let's call the whole thing off!

You say laughter and I say lawfter,
You say after and I say awfter,
Laughter, lawfter, after, awfter,
Let's call the whole thing off!
You like vanilla and I like vanella,
You, sa's'parilla and I sa's'parella,
Vanilla, vanella, Choc'late, strawb'ry!
Let's call the whole thing off!
But oh! If we call the whole thing off,
Then we must part.
And oh! If we ever part, 
Then that might break my heart!
So, if you go for oysters and I go for ersters
I'll order oysters and cancel the ersters.
For we know we need each other,
So we better call the calling off off!
Let's call the whole thing off!

Grandma's House

Growing up, summertime for me always meant a trip to Grandma's house. I would stay for at least a week and savor days with cookies, ice cream, toys, and (most importantly) time alone with my grandmother.  No matter what we did, I was happy. We could watch the news together, and I would be just as engrossed in it as if I was watching cartoons. For me, going to Grandma's house was a time when I could just be. There were no worries about getting in trouble; I didn't even disobey or try to take advantage of my freedom.  I just truly enjoyed being there.


To this day, I dream about being in her house.  Countless dreams are filled with memories of a home that was never even my own.  Clearly, our special times have become so deeply ingrained in my memory and my heart, that I will forever treasure the times I had.


Last Thursday, Gordon Lee got to spend his first night at his Grandma's house without Mommy or Daddy.  We were told that after seeing a picture of Lee on the wall, he was in search of his daddy. And when I walked through the door the next day, he looked at me as if he could hardly believe that Mommy just appeared out of nowhere. But still, from the pictures we saw to the way he was contently playing when I arrived, I'd say that he had a BLAST! And I know that one day, when he is older, he will look at me (like I looked at my mom) and say, "Mama, when can I go and stay at Grandma's house?"

Plus, he gets WAY cooler toys at Grandma's house than at home. :)