Helping or Hindering?

I was reading a series of blogs recently written by a grandmother who had much to share on what she'd learned through her experiences as a grandmother.  I don't know exactly how old her grandchildren were, but she seemed to have quite a few and they were old enough for her to go through many experiences where she learned the "hard way" better ways to handle situations.  So, she started writing her blog to share these things.


One of the topics she touched on several times was what she had learned about giving advice.  She explained that as a grandmother, she is often just itching to give advice and help her daughter as a parent.   Yet, she realized that giving out that advice was actually a lot less helpful and more detrimental to her own daughter's confidence as mother in the end.  In her own words, "Parents need the freedom to test their theories, make their own mistakes, learn what works and what doesn't work. They need to be allowed to become the experts and feel confident in their own roles as parents." She was sharing this because she found herself too often in a conflict with her daughter over her grandchildren and the majority of the time it was over her helping when her help wasn't asked for.  She realized that her "helping" was more often just meddling.  So, she made it her rule not to give advice (as much as she could help it) unless it was asked for.  Granted, she admitted this was tough because it's hard to watch her children--let alone her blessed little grandchildren--struggle through something that you know about and can easily step in and help.  But, she realized that helping without being asked is really just stepping on toes and these were the things she discovered about waiting until advice was asked of her before giving it. She also changed her thought process to understand "Shouldn't you be glad they don't need help? Shouldn't you be glad they are capable enough to figure things out on their own without always coming to you?"
1.) It was MUCH more empowering and actually made her feel better.  Because by letting them come to her, she felt wanted, needed, important.  The other way around she often felt hurt if they didn't take her advice because she felt like if they said "no thanks" or something to that extent, they were just telling her they didn't care about her wisdom.  She discovered this really wasn't the case--it went back to parents needing to "test theories" and explore parenthood on their own which she said is important for all parents.  And she really had nobody to blame for her hurt but herself because by just trying to help whether it was needed or not, she opened up more scenarios for her help not being needed and feeling just pushed aside by the parents.
2.) The second thing she realized was that her advice wasn't going to just vanish into thin air if she didn't dish it out whenever she had the itch to.  It was still going to be there, filed away in her book of "grandmother wisdom." :) And when her kids had a time of trial and error and DID then come to her asking for help, she was ready to offer what she knew.  And whether or not she knew she was right all along was beside the fact because it is perfectly okay for people to try things before asking for help in order to learn.
3.) Finally, she said the hardest part but most important for her to learn was how her "help" was actually more damaging than helpful to her daughter.  First she explained both sides this way "In one corner we find the elders, full of knowledge and advice, wanting to be validated and honored for their years of experience, confident that they know what's best for the child. In the other corner, we find the young or new parents, full of book knowledge, research findings, training classes, experience gleaned from close friends, their own personal values, and their unique experience with their child, who need to assert their own way of doing things." And she found that even though she sometimes felt like her daughter was taking a harder road than necessary, when she stepped in to advise or give a tip unasked, she actually was taking over the mother role that was her daughter's to have and leaving her daughter feeling like she was constantly being "watched" and "critiqued." Though that wasn't her intention, she took time to reflect and realized that it was true.  If somebody comes to you on a regular basis giving you advice here and there, how is that ultimately going to make the other person feel? Like you have no faith in them; like they need to be told in order to learn or know anything; like you really think you are better at it than they are...and as a grandmother she was relaying (inadvertently) that the child would be better in her care by trying to help so much.


So, now I shared all of this because I wanted to lay the background for what this revealed to me! I discovered there are 2 areas in which I need to apply this knowledge to myself!


1.) As a Parent! My child is only very young and has much of life to start needing to learn things "on his own." But I saw how I was already stepping in where I wasn't needed with him! First, I'd watch him struggle to roll over on the floor.  He'd kick his little leg up in the air, throw his arm over, almost make it from his back to his tummy, only at 3/4 of the way there to tumble all the way back to his back.  I'd watch him try repeatedly getting frustrated.  I knew what his problem was.  His arm that was under him was in the wrong place and it was throwing him back.  So I'd often go and "show" him where to put his arm.  You know what? That was actually less helpful than just letting him work through it.  I had noticed that Gordon Lee (smart little guy) would seem to have no trouble going from back to tummy when I laid him down and walked somewhere else.  But when I laid him down and tried to watch him, he'd often get upset with the process until I came over there to help him.  So, there I was, trying to help but only holding him back in the process.
That is just one small and more trivial example, but it is an eye opener that I need to practice restraint as a parent sometimes no matter how hard it is to see my child taking the long way to get somewhere.  Sometimes the long way is better because that is how you learn best.  
Of course this grandmother did say sometimes stepping in is important in a life or death situation--but only then or when help is asked for.  I am logging this away in my memory bank.


2.) As a teacher
I've found that this time when I'm not teaching is a great way to reflect on teaching so that I can make improvements when I do go back to it.
In graduate school, we often discussed "learned helplessness" and "enabling" as things teachers inadvertently did to students.  More students were asking for help before even trying to figure something out and more teachers were seeing it as laziness.  In fact, it was only traced back to too many teachers helping too much.  In the early years when kids needed to work out a problem to find the solution, the well meaning teacher stepped in to share what she learned, and the student then started learning there was no sense in working something out if somebody else could just do it for you.
As a teacher, you have gone to college, spent time discovering things that you so desperately want to impart to your students.  Then you get in the classroom and they don't want to hear what you have to tell them--even if you know better.  I've found many times students come to me later saying "you were right." And I keep watching in frustration as they think something relatively easy is "hard" or they think getting out of school and on their own will solve all of their problems.  But truthfully, this way of thinking is part of them just trying to figure things out and really learning in the end.
So, when students do or don't take my way of doing something, that's okay.  And another thing I have to realize is that perhaps my way isn't THE way.  Sometimes, I have a great way of doing something, but it might not be best for the student.  And that is something I need to accept too.


I guess the most important thing I learned from this grandmother's wisdom was--helping (no matter what the intentions are) in the wrong way at the wrong time ends up hindering.

Fire

One night, during early autumn last year, my husband and I were sitting out on our back porch in our old house.  As we were sitting there talking, we both agreed that having a nice little fire going would be perfect! So, we bought a fire pit.  It ended up being a regular thing to sit outside with a fire.

When we moved into the house we live in now (needing more room with a baby), we got a fireplace! When one chilly day arrived a few weeks ago, we felt it was the perfect day for a fire in the fireplace.  My husband bought some firewood and it created a nice warm, cozy environment in our house.

The baby, who we keep well away from the fire (of course), loves watching it from across the room! And we all feel so much closer and relaxed.

I think I will now have a prerequisite for our next house--it must have a fireplace! :)

A+B=C

I never did like math.  It was mostly because I'd have numbers and a multitude of equations and I always had to remember which equation worked how and where.  Plus, it was very frustrating if I plugged numbers in the way that I thought I was supposed to and I still ended up with the wrong answer.  However, for all of the frustrations that those challenges bring in math, there is the ultimate reward and satisfaction that comes with getting the right equation and the right answer!

It feels like parenting is no different.  There are many different ways to come to a solution, but you mostly just want to find the solution.  And, yes, for many things, there is no real solution.  But more to my point, after spending my time analyzing a situation, reading various advice, and trying different things, I think I may have come to an answer.


What am I even talking about? My baby and his sleep pattern.


First....I had a problem with him not napping very well at all.  I'd put him down and 15-30 minutes later he'd be up again and he would do this all day until he was overly tired and also did not sleep well at night.


I tried to figure out what in the world would cause him to wake up so quickly during naps when at night he would be put down and sleep for hours at a time.  I found these things to be different between day and night sleep


1.) Noise- At night there is relatively no noise.  During the day, there are cars zooming down the street, kids being loud after school, and a number of other things that could interrupt one's sleep.
2.) Darkness- At night it is dark, during the day it is light--a no-brainer.
3.) At night, he never had to cry.  I was always right there! When I'd hear him fidgeting or squirming, I'd get him right away.  Many times during the day, I'd go to take a shower or something when he was napping and come out to find him crying.  So, I thought maybe he was hesitant to nap because something in him worried that I wouldn't be there when he woke up.  So, I tried responding as quickly as I could during naps to help him feel more comfortable napping..I think that helped.


However, there were a few items of advice that I received from different people and websites they sent me that really helped our situation.  I wanted to wait until he was doing this with some regularity before king a post on it.  And, Gordon Lee has now been napping regularly in his crib, without any help, for about a week!


These things (I truly believe) are what mostly helped him learn to sleep better.


1.) A link I visited said that some babies are actually tired before showing signs of being tired.  And once they start showing signs, they are actually already too tired and won't sleep as well.  Well, with Gordon Lee, usually after about 2 hours of being awake, he'd start yawning and acting tired.  He'd fall asleep easily but wake back up.  So, I figured I'd start getting him ready for a nap before that point.  WOW! It really worked! I started getting him ready more like 90 minutes after wake time and that's when I saw a real difference.  He went to sleep easily and then stayed down for 90 minutes-2 hours at a time.  One day, he even napped for 2 and 1/2 hours!


2.) CIO? (cry it out) not for us...but FIO? (fuss it out) Okay, that works! My baby gets really upset if left to cry and really only cries if something is wrong.  So, crying it out for him doesn't work and I don't like the impact it has on him.  Yet, I did notice that if I let him fuss for about 5 minutes or so, he WILL go back to sleep.  I see it like I feel when I wake up too early in the morning...grumbling, "Shoot, I'm awake already? BLAH" And then I just go back to sleep.  That's how his fussing has gone.  I noticed if he is just fussing, he does it for no more than 5 minutes and goes back to sleep.


3.) Age----I think age does have something to do with it. Now that he can roll, he moves himself into a more comfortable position when sleeping sometimes and I think he's just more aware of the control he has over certain things like sleeping.


Also, I had learned that right around his age (4 months) babies are not as deep sleepers as they used to be.   And I noticed this happening at night.  He was in our room, but we were having to tip toe around him all night because if he was woken up, his eyes would pop open and he wouldn't go back to sleep.  When things were quiet, he'd go back to sleep just fine on his own.
The only problem with that is that we just can't keep that quiet all the time.  When my husband had to get up a 2 am for work one morning, I became aware that it was time to graduate Gordon Lee to his crib.  When waking up after just hearing his daddy (who was being as quiet as possible) getting ready for work, I realized that for him to sleep better he needed to be in his own room.


So, I started him gradually.  After his first night waking, I would put him in his crib to finish his sleep and turn the monitor on.  Then, 3 nights ago, he spent his first whole night in his crib.  He did pretty good! Each night, he has done better.  And the last night was the best totaling 12 hours of sleep for him! He woke up jovial and cooing at his mobile. 

(Here is a picture of him from this morning.  As you can see, he is well rested and ready for the day!)

The only issue I have to face now is realizing the baby monitor is an alarm clock.  In a sleepy state, I accidentally shut it off forgetting it was not an alarm clock! Fortunately, a few minutes later I realized what I had done.

Month #4

I realized I should hurry up and write a blog about Gordon Lee's 4th month before it is gone.  It seems the 3rd month just FLEW by! My little boy seems to be getting so big and learning so much every day!

During the first 3 months when he had colic, it seemed like a long time! However, as soon as that started to go away, life with him started getting a lot easier and a lot more fun.  So, I think that's why it seemed like all I had to do was blink and now he is 4 months old.

I started him on rice cereal, which he just loves.  My husband was laughing last night because he couldn't believe he was so exciting about eating it! This has really helped us because before this, he wasn't sleeping as well due to digesting milk so fast.  He was eating a lot.  He was tired; I was tired and I really think I wasn't producing as much milk or as good quality milk due to this.  After the rice cereal, he started going longer between feeds, doing better while feeding, sleeping better, and I seem to be making more/better milk as a result.  He is doing great with eating from a spoon.  I tried to tape him, but he wanted to stare at the camera. HA! Here it is anyway in case you want to see his rice cereal eating skills (I don't blame you if you don't).

He is now rolling from his back to his tummy on a regular basis.  He is getting very good control of himself while on his tummy, and he pivots himself around with his arms on the floor.  Just today he realized he could support himself while grabbing for a toy on his tummy and he seemed pretty excited about that.

As far as the sleeping goes, you know, I'm starting to wonder if being able to sleep well is as much a part of development as grabbing for toys, rolling, etc.  I may have done something that lead to him learning to put himself back to sleep and nap better; however, I kind of think it's just part of him being old enough to realize he can self soothe.  I don't want to speak too soon on whether or not something is working.  But the past 2-3 days, he has been doing better and better about just going to sleep when I lay him down and putting himself back to sleep when he wakes up briefly.  He took 2 hour long naps in his crib yesterday.  This morning, he went down for 1 hour, woke up and fussed a little but then put himself back to sleep and continued napping for another hour.  I seriously do not believe this is from anything I did.  I think he just did it.  He is now on his second nap which has been going on for almost an hour.

I'm hoping this is signaling a new trend as just a week ago if  I laid him down in his crib without him being totally asleep, his eyes would pop open, he'd freak out, start crying, and nap time was an endless cycle of waking up after brief periods of sleeping.  It just happened two days ago that he suddenly was okay with me laying him down while sleepy but not asleep and drifted off to a nap without help.  So, like I said, maybe it's just one of those things that happens as they get a little older.

He is also babbling away all the time, I took him to Target today and he attracted tons of attention because he just kept babbling and talking the whole time we were in the store! Thankfully, people thought it was cute. :) 

It's just amazing how fast things have been going! I feel like he will be a year old before I know it.

Expecting when You're Least Expecting

On this day last year, I found out I was pregnant. Results were inconclusive, however, as the only test that gave a positive answer was the clear blue easy digital test.  The next morning, all tests were positive.  So, I took them into the doctor who ran their own test that came back negative.  However, they took a blood sample and it confirmed what the rest of my tests had told me.


We were so shocked.  I was excited but very nervous because I wasn't really ready to have a baby yet.  But God was ready for me to have a baby.  I remember during this week last year, I was a panicked mess hoping my "little bean" was growing well.  I was also freaking out because we really hadn't planned the baby at all, so I wasn't taking prenatal vitamins, I was drinking some alcohol, drinking lots of coffee--things that I wouldn't have done if  I had thought I stood a chance of getting pregnant.  


My husband was in such shock and disbelief that he said he wouldn't believe it until the blood test came through.  After 3 blood tests with the number more than tripling each time, he STILL wasn't completely convinced.  I don't think he really believed it was true until he saw the 12 week ultrasound!


Thinking on these things today, I have to say life has changed tremendously! And we are blessed that our little boy is plenty healthy and certainly growing well!

This-a-Way or That-a-Way

I had a college professor once who said she couldn't stand it when someone said, "I like kids." Being one of those people who said that, I was somewhat offended.  However, I had to admit she had a point.  Her problem with the statement was that, to her, it was the same as saying, "I like people."  Not all kids are the same, so how can you make such a broad sweeping statement that you like them?  True True.  I still hold, however, that there is a creativity, innocence, and care-free attitude in many children that would lead to that statement.


I have found, after reading articles, books, etc. that there are many people who claim to know about babies.  And they all (for the most part) have a vast amount of experience with many babies to lead them to make their claims.  However, the stark contrast in opinions on what to do, how to do it, when to do it is pretty intriguing.  There are opinions so opposite on one topic that I almost feel there are democrats and republicans of the baby rearing world.  One camp says, "Hold the baby all the time; it makes the baby feel secure and cared for."  While the other camp says, "No, that will spoil the child and you will have more problems later on.  The child needs some independence."  Each side has its own reasons for doing things that way, and both reasons hold a lot of value.


Yet, to say, "do this with babies; it works" is to me one of the most ridiculous things a person can say.  Most of the sources that I'm starting to take information from now are the ones that admit all babies are different!

For example, take this picture of Gordon Lee and his buddy Jericho (same age).

These are their personalities in a nutshell. Gordon Lee--"Where's the action? I want to be in it!" Jericho-- "Life is good.  I think I'll nap."  My baby has a very outgoing personality and will talk to, smile at, and be held by almost anyone.  Jericho is a bit more reserved and much calmer.  These are just their personalities that were hard-wired into them before they were even born.

So something that works for our neighbor's baby might not work for ours.  And I've been reluctant to listen to advice from any source who claims to just "know" about babies.  While they may have many things in common, they will not react to the same thing.  If you have been or are a teacher, you know this just from the students in your classroom.

As for my baby, I'm finding myself somewhat in the middle of the polar opposite points of view.  I'm still figuring out a plan for getting him to nap better.  As I have said plenty of times before, I moved him into his own bassinet at night now.  The first night I was nervous because I thought he wouldn't sleep well.  But I was totally wrong.  He slept great!  It's funny because at the beginning he used to sleep better in the bed, but after about 2-3 months, he started sleeping better on his own.  I suppose it is easier when you don't have somebody else next to you squirming or moving in their sleep while you are trying to sleep.  I had thought that his poor napping habits may have been from being too used to sleeping with me.

However, after over a month of sleeping great on his own at night, he is still not napping well at all.  If I let him cry, he just wakes himself up so much that he can't go back to sleep at all.  Then, I have an overly-tired and very cranky baby to deal with.  While some people say keeping at this method for a couple of days will pay off, I just don't think it is working with him.  I've also read advice to lay him down when he is sleepy but not yet asleep so that he learns to go to sleep on his own.  When I do that, he just wakes up immediately and I can spend hours trying to get him to fall back asleep.  

So far, the best routine for getting him to nap has been to put him in as dark of a room as I possibly can during the day.  The sun rises by my bedroom window in the morning and I noticed he won't sleep more than 1-2 hours once the sun comes up (this is with dark blackout curtains on the windows).  I've started going back and forth between laying him down in his bedroom and our bedroom depending on which room is the darkest and when, which is where he will nap for the longest.  He has a fan and white noise machine going. I can't turn the house into a cave, though.  Another thing that has helped has been a mobile.  I purchased one for his crib because I noticed that when he looked at his teddy bear mobile at night, it was some kind of "reassurance" to him that helped him go back to sleep when his eyes opened.  We are only on day 2 of the crib mobile.  He really seems to enjoy looking at it, so I hope that will help him there also.

Other than that, I've been trying to go into his room before he wakes up too much to help him settle back into a nap.  I KNOW he knows how to get himself back to sleep because I hear him doing it at night.  Now, it's just a matter of figuring out how to get him to do it during the day.

Priorities

There's no denying that children definitely do change a marriage.  You have a lot less time for just the two of you, and things you once did--like say just picking up and going somewhere whenever--you can't do anymore.  My mother and a friend of hers were mentor moms for MOPS (mothers of preschoolers), and one thing that they were repeatedly trying to drive into the heads of the mothers there was that they needed to put their husbands before their children.


Both of them having had kids of their own and having been married for a long time, they saw the ill effects of what happens when you put your children first.  And, oddly enough, as has been attested to by their own husbands, most husbands won't say anything but just go along with what the wife is doing all the while feeling neglected.  My mom admitted that when my sister and I were little she became guilty of putting us before my dad, and she said it was really hard on the marriage. Only after she shifted her focus back to her husband did things get better.


My dad said that the majority of women after having children tend to fall into this pattern.  And it makes the husband feel as if his wife is saying "well I got you for what I wanted you for..now that I have my kids..you can just take the back burner." Whether or not the woman intends it, he says this is a feeling given to the men by their wives actions.  


BUT the thing is (that I actually wondered about without asking my mom)--what exactly does putting your kids before your husband look like? And who would really knowingly just cast her husband aside for her kids? I'd venture to say almost nobody.  Answering the first question, it is hard to describe what this looks like.  Plus, with hindsight being 20/20, we often do not see this until after the fact.


Let me put myself on the chopping block here because only recently did I realize that I, in fact, had begun to put the baby before my husband.  Now, I was entirely unaware of this--and I want to make this point very clear because I don't think we are aware when we're doing it.  I had actually been making strides toward ensuring my husband and I had time together.  For example, I moved the baby out of our bed; I put him to bed earlier so we could have time by ourselves; I also utilized whatever spare time I had to do things that I knew would make him feel good.  
Still, I was missing something huge.  Whenever the baby was asleep, I would get frustrated because I felt my husband was being so loud and I would repeatedly ask him to please be quiet.  Most of the time, I was doing this thinking about how tired I was, how I didn't want the baby's sleep getting messed up, how I'd read this book and that book and I wanted to do what would help the baby.  But I wasn't seeing that I was making my husband feel awful because I was so focused on making sure things go a certain way for the baby.


And, after having realized this, I changed my habits.  I also feel a lot better too.  The baby will adapt.  I have a husband who loves his child and doesn't need to be made to feel like he needs to do things a certain way.  Ultimately, he needs to feel comfortable in his own home and supported and loved by his wife.  I'm not saying the baby needs to be forgotten.  However, he is not the be all and end all, and if things don't go a certain way according to something I read or heard, that's okay.  Because I've found we are all a lot happier this way.