Priorities

There's no denying that children definitely do change a marriage.  You have a lot less time for just the two of you, and things you once did--like say just picking up and going somewhere whenever--you can't do anymore.  My mother and a friend of hers were mentor moms for MOPS (mothers of preschoolers), and one thing that they were repeatedly trying to drive into the heads of the mothers there was that they needed to put their husbands before their children.


Both of them having had kids of their own and having been married for a long time, they saw the ill effects of what happens when you put your children first.  And, oddly enough, as has been attested to by their own husbands, most husbands won't say anything but just go along with what the wife is doing all the while feeling neglected.  My mom admitted that when my sister and I were little she became guilty of putting us before my dad, and she said it was really hard on the marriage. Only after she shifted her focus back to her husband did things get better.


My dad said that the majority of women after having children tend to fall into this pattern.  And it makes the husband feel as if his wife is saying "well I got you for what I wanted you for..now that I have my kids..you can just take the back burner." Whether or not the woman intends it, he says this is a feeling given to the men by their wives actions.  


BUT the thing is (that I actually wondered about without asking my mom)--what exactly does putting your kids before your husband look like? And who would really knowingly just cast her husband aside for her kids? I'd venture to say almost nobody.  Answering the first question, it is hard to describe what this looks like.  Plus, with hindsight being 20/20, we often do not see this until after the fact.


Let me put myself on the chopping block here because only recently did I realize that I, in fact, had begun to put the baby before my husband.  Now, I was entirely unaware of this--and I want to make this point very clear because I don't think we are aware when we're doing it.  I had actually been making strides toward ensuring my husband and I had time together.  For example, I moved the baby out of our bed; I put him to bed earlier so we could have time by ourselves; I also utilized whatever spare time I had to do things that I knew would make him feel good.  
Still, I was missing something huge.  Whenever the baby was asleep, I would get frustrated because I felt my husband was being so loud and I would repeatedly ask him to please be quiet.  Most of the time, I was doing this thinking about how tired I was, how I didn't want the baby's sleep getting messed up, how I'd read this book and that book and I wanted to do what would help the baby.  But I wasn't seeing that I was making my husband feel awful because I was so focused on making sure things go a certain way for the baby.


And, after having realized this, I changed my habits.  I also feel a lot better too.  The baby will adapt.  I have a husband who loves his child and doesn't need to be made to feel like he needs to do things a certain way.  Ultimately, he needs to feel comfortable in his own home and supported and loved by his wife.  I'm not saying the baby needs to be forgotten.  However, he is not the be all and end all, and if things don't go a certain way according to something I read or heard, that's okay.  Because I've found we are all a lot happier this way.

Halloween: A New Perspective

Halloween is a controversial holiday among the Christian community.  I remember 2 short  years when I went trick or treating.  The last year I went, I was dressed up as big bird and only my mother and I went because my sister was too afraid to knock on strangers' doors for candy.  Having a polar opposite personality, I did not have that take at all.  I was eager to go around the neighborhood collecting all the candy my plastic pumpkin bucket could carry.  I read a story to my students every year called Halloween by Jerry Seinfeld, and it usually leaves my students erupting in laughter.  In one part of the story he says, "What? Everyone that we know is just giving out candy? Take me with you! I can wear that! I'll say anything I have to say.  I'll do anything I have to do to get the candy from those fools who are so stupidly giving it away."  As a child, that was exactly my perspective! :)


Shortly after that, I was told I was not allowed to go out trick or treating any longer. I'm not sure the reason for it--it could have been that since Megan didn't want to go, it was easier to keep us both home; it could have been that my parents didn't want us having all that much candy; it also could have been that Halloween was purely a secular holiday.


No matter what the reason, that was the beginning of the time that I pretty much stopped celebrating it for an extended period of time.  We did give out candy, but I never wore a costume or did anything else.  I actually started becoming afraid to sleep on Halloween because I was afraid some witch somewhere was up to no good (laugh all you want; it's okay).  


Once I got to be a teenager, I started going to more organized events where I would dress up in a costume again.  I love dressing up in costumes--always have.  So, I felt happy to go to a church party in my costume.  I still wasn't big into celebrating Halloween due to influences from several different directions that taught me that Halloween was a bad thing.  Trick or treating was bad, carving a pumpkin was bad, using the word Halloween was rooted in evil as well.  I wasn't sure why they were bad, but I was told that they were so I just went along with it.  I was told that carving a jack-o-lantern went back to people putting human heads on their porch.  So, don't carve one because it is linked to something wrong.  After years of not carving pumpkins, I desperately wanted to one year, so I did and I didn't feel the least bit evil in doing it.


But this year, for the very FIRST time, my entire perspective on Halloween changed drastically.  First, I became educated on the origins of Halloween finding out that carved pumpkins have nothing to do with heads.  In fact, the custom is from the Celtic New Year when they carved out turnips, which became pumpkins when they came to America and pumpkins were more plentiful and easier to carve.  
Actually, most customs from Halloween are a random combination of various celebrations that kind of morphed into what the holiday is today.  However, one thing that remained true throughout history is that Halloween is a holiday that the church was continuously trying to reform.  It started as a pagan holiday turned into "All Saints Day" due to the church wanting to shift the focus from celebrating death to honoring saints.  Then that made the day before it "All Hallows Eve" which just turned into the word Halloween--merely semantics.  Trick or treating was originated by the church in an attempt to keep children from going out into the streets at night and getting into trouble.  


And no matter what holiday you have, whether it is blatantly seeming wrong or not, people will do wrong with it.  Are there people doing wrong on Halloween? Yes.  Is Halloween associated with bad things? Yes.  BUT I think the church was pretty successful in their reformation.  No matter how hard you try, you can't change the world.  People will do what they do.


But this year I saw things in a completely new light.  Regardless of associations with death, ghosts, graves, bats, vampires, etc., there are wonderful things going on during Halloween that scarcely go on at any other time during the year.  And here is my new perspective--agree or disagree, take it or leave it--this is how I am going to view it from here on out.
1.) When do you see people being so generous? Going out and buying things to give to complete strangers without a second thought? Hmmm...generosity is a Christian practice, is it not?
2.) When do you see parents spending so much time with their children..walking up and down the streets with them, smiling, teaching them to say "please" and "thank you" at each house? 
3.) Children are happily and gleefully walking up to houses being polite and respectful.  Yes, they are after candy.  But even with the hoards of children who came to our house, not one of them was greedy.  Each one said "thank you." I said "Happy Halloween" and they said "you too."  It was a night full of saying "thank you" "have a great night."  People were being kind to each other, respectful, pleasant! That, to me, is a wonderful thing.  Too often, we see the opposite even at Christmas (a holiday rooted in Christianity) when people fight over toys for their children and other such nonsense.
4.) We turn on a porch light, or also carve a pumpkin and put a candle in it to let people know "You are welcome to this house."  We are letting our light shine in a display of generosity and friendliness.


So, I now believe that Halloween is in fact just as much Christian in many ways as other holidays.  No matter what the origin.  Why don't we look at the way things are now? Is the act of carving a pumpkin evil? I say no.  It's fun and can be viewed as shining a light of care to others.  Is giving out candy or other treats wrong? Is it wrong for kids to dress up in fun costumes and say please and thank you?  Who cares if at one time they were in costumes to pull pranks.  By and large, they aren't doing it anymore...so I say that's something to be celebrated.


Plus, I enjoyed interacting with trick or treaters as my own little "baseball player" helped me pass out candy.

Missing Children

As many people may know, there are two children that have gone missing recently.  One is the baby named Lisa whose mother was drinking one night when she went missing.  The second one is an autistic boy named Robert who ran off in the woods on a walk with his father and has been missing since Sunday.


Both of these stories break my heart.  In the case of the baby girl, it's hard for me not to be upset with that mother as she had the full capability to keep her daughter in her sight and didn't.  However, I'm sure she is feeling bad enough about that now.  The little girl is supposed to turn 1 soon, and it must be devastating to have no idea where she is.


As for the autistic boy, his parents are separated and his mother wasn't with him when he went missing, and I can only imagine how she must be feeling right now.  From the articles I've read, I haven't heard about any statements that have been released from his mother.  The articles have just said that he lived with her in Ladysmith, VA and that he was with his father walking through the park when he went missing.  As a mother, that must be extremely hard to handle--knowing that your baby went missing and you couldn't be there to go after him.  I am sure it is equally hard on his father who tried to chase after him but couldn't catch him.  I have been praying for this boy and his family ever since I heard the news of his disappearance on Sunday.  Being day 6 since he went missing, things are beginning to look a little disappointing.  Still, I just hope they find him. I keep thinking about what I would do if I was in that situation, and I don't think I'd even be able to eat or sleep.


Knowing these things, I'm just holding my little one extra close and praying for these families.  I hope their children are found soon!


Baby Lisa's story is pretty wide-spread.  However, if you haven't heard about Robert, here is an article on the most recent news about him.
http://blogs.fredericksburg.com/newsdesk/2011/10/28/update-in-the-search-for-robert-wood-jr/


Good news! Robert was found alive and they believe he will be okay! Now still praying for baby Lisa!

Gordon Lee in Month # 3

Gordon Lee is 3 months now (has been since October 8th), and this month is shaping up to be a pretty good one so far.  Yes, he still has fussiness every now and then.  However, the colic is vanishing being replaced by more smiles and laughs.  

As you can see in the above picture, he is starting to sit a little bit.  He likes to sit up and can last for a few seconds.  He seems to be VERY focused on getting this task under his control.  So, I'll be interested to see when he is officially sitting up independently.  Apparently, they can practice for months before mastering it, so I won't be holding my breath.

He's also into rolling.  He can roll from his back to his side, from his tummy to his back, and he is desperate to get from his back to his tummy.  He just hasn't totally figured out how to get the hand that is under him out of his way so he can complete the roll.  Here's a video of him having some success rolling.  Even though he can do it every now and then, he hasn't quite figured out the exact science of it to have the skill mastered.

He has gotten very much into picking up his head as well.  It used to be that if you placed him on  his tummy, he'd put his face in the mat and start crying (even though he knew how to pick his head up).  Now, he just automatically picks his head up and he grins as if he is so proud he can do that.  And, oddly, it was like he suddenly just figured this one out on his 3 month birthday!

He has taken an interest in toys and will grab or bat at them.  At first, I thought that he wasn't totally sure he could do this all the time.  But I later discovered that he only grabs at things if he feels like it and no coaxing will get him to grab at something he doesn't want to.  I figured this out when he was lying on his playmat and he wouldn't grab at his toys, but as soon as I put my hand above him, he looked right at it and deliberately grabbed my finger. lol 
This video is of one of the first times he discovered he could interact with his toys with his hands.  

He is talking and babbling A LOT! For awhile he seemed to do it only with certain toys. Now it is just with anything or anyone.  My sister said she feels like he is an extrovert, and I agree.  He loves to be with people and he loves to "talk!"

Those are the major milestones so far.  I  can't think of anything else that he is doing.  It's so exciting, though, because it seems as though his development has picked up at an even quicker pace now that he has hit 3 months.


I started writing this blog at the beginning of his third month and wanted to wait until I had a change to finish it! Now, it's hard to believe his third month is almost over.  It just flew by! I suppose that's because he started playing a lot more and crying a lot less and just started doing so many new things so quickly!

You Should Believe Me Because I Said So

One thing that is really annoying to a teacher is when a student asks "why do I need to do this?" Whether or not you really have a good reason to back up said activity, it is simply frustrating to have to stop and explain why. You could waste 5-10 minutes explaining, "Because writing enhances language development, which in the long run, further develops communication ability, etc., etc." Or you can say, "Because I said so." Much easier! One Sunday my pastor explained during a sermon that he made a mistake in trying to answer his young son.  The son asked, "Dad, why is the sky blue?" And actually having the knowledge, he explained the scientific reasoning for exactly why the sky was blue.  Good, right? I thought so.  But he said even with a grand explanation, his son said, "But why blue?" He paused for a moment thinking his answer inadequate before his son continued on "Why not green or purple?" Ahh..confounded by a 3-year-old.


All of my ruminating on this is simply the fact that asking WHY can be a very good thing no matter how annoying it is.  Because, I think, to some extent our "whys" have been silenced.  Or we have been presented information in such a way that we simply accept it without even allowing the question of "why" to enter our minds.  I was reading an article on infant vaccinations that a friend of mine posted.  The article was discussing that parents are reluctant to vaccinate or that many are asking to delay the vaccinations or leave out some.  One of the professionals who addressed these concerns in the article was a doctor with apparently great knowledge on vaccinations who said there will be no different impact if you delay the vaccinations or decide a different schedule.  So should we just believe him because he is a doctor who apparently knows? I wanted to sit down with him so much and have him explain this reasoning to me.  Personally, how can you make a statement with such certainty? If my child can't have anything except milk or formula until a certain age, why would it be ANY different with vaccinations? Why wouldn't a more mature system not be able to handle them any better? And how can you say with such decidedness that have 5 instead of 1 makes no difference? Surely, it does. And I wanted to tell this doctor that this is why parents are so hesitant because our professionals are telling us things that make no sense when we try to reason them out practically.


My husband and I love to have a laugh when we frequently see commercials related to something medical with somebody in a white coat recommending it.  Or, sometimes, the commercial just shows somebody in a white coat.  It's funny, but at the same time, I'm sure that market research has shown that people see a white lab coat and automatically associate it with good; therefore, the lab coat in and of itself is enough persuasion.


And I was further thinking on things that I just accept without even questioning.  Somebody somewhere says something is good because they have "years of experience" and I just take it.  I clearly don't have years of experience so I must not be as knowledgable.  It's this half-eaten apple type of thing.  I'm sure many people have seen it illustrated where you are shown the good side of the apple having no clue the other side has been eaten and your mind just assumes the whole thing is good.

I will say with some degree of certainty that NONE of us is capable of getting past this.  We are all susceptible to it...just accepting something because somebody "trustworthy" said so.  And, even if it is annoying to hear it from students, it isn't such a bad thing to ask for an explanation.  It isn't so bad to want knowledge and understand the reasoning behind things.  

Granted, I may be rethinking this when my son turns 2... ;)

Sometimes...

This is just a quick blog about sleep.  I was going to write one as an update on my last blog about sleep.  However, I've decided I really only have a few short things to say.  First of all I did start having Gordon Lee sleep separately in his pack and play bassinet for many reasons...he and I were both losing way too much sleep, I couldn't get up out of the bed without waking him (that means I couldn't even go to the bathroom at night), his naps during the day kept getting shorter, etc. Also, I have to admit, he was around me so much I was actually starting to resent him sometimes when he needed me...that sounds bad and I hate admitting it, but it was the case. Moving him out of the bed at night helped a TON! So, I thought maybe I should just go cold turkey and get him used to sleeping by himself at all times.  He did surprisingly well and even slept 7 1/2 hours one night!


Anyway, after trying strategies from the book I've been reading and seeing them work...I have STILL come to these conclusions.

• I was talking to my mom the other day who said she hadn't slept well.  I think babies, like us, just have some nights when they don't sleep well...no matter how good of a nap they had during the day or how well you followed through with a bed time routine.  Sometimes, we just don't sleep well for whatever reason.
• I think sometimes babies do need help getting to sleep.  The book I was reading said rocking, giving a bottle, or finding some other way to help the baby get to sleep can make it hard for the baby to fall asleep on his or her own.  And I get that, but I still think he needs help sometimes.  If his tummy hurts from gas, he doesn't know how to just put himself to sleep.
• Sometimes there's no rule that just works or doesn't.  Sometimes you have to go with what you feel is right.

A Day at the Spa

For the past week or so, I have been slightly under the weather.  I think allergies are to blame as I seem to get the same symptoms in the same order whenever my allergies start--sore throat that lasts for about 1-2 days, throat suddenly clears up, onset of congestion that will make me completely miserable without allergy medicine.  However, I'm not entirely sure it was allergies this time.  Maybe it was a cold as Gordon Lee seemed to have started to get a little congested himself! Poor little guy!


He wasn't that bad off, but yesterday morning he seemed to wake up crankier than usual and I could tell by his breathing he was congested.  Anyway, I'd been doing a few things to help ease his congestion--it's hard with a baby because you can't give them anything and you have to suck their drainage out with a bulb.  But I had put him down for a morning nap, gotten out of the shower, only to find him crying as he'd woken up just a few short minutes later.  I think the congestion was to blame.


It was a dreary, overcast day outside and I was feeling a bit sleepy myself.  At first, I was going to try to get a lot of chores done yesterday...the dishes needed to be done; laundry also needed to be done; laundry that was already done needed to be folded and put away; I wanted to vacuum..you get the point.  But when I got out of the shower I rushed right to my sweet little crying baby, let him eat, and then I wrapped him up in my robe.  


When he was a brand new newborn, he would sleep on our chests gladly.  But as soon as he started learning to pick his head up, sleeping on somebody's chest slowly became a thing of the past as he would just push up (even swaddled) to pick his little head up.  Yesterday, though, I really don't think he was feeling too good as he just settled in being wrapped in my robe.  I walked around the house holding him wrapped up as he fell asleep peacefully.


And I decided to just sit at an angle in bed with him wrapped up.  Sitting there, I felt so peaceful like I was spending a day at the spa! In fact, a day at the spa wouldn't have even given me the refreshment and joy I felt. I thought to myself..the chores can wait.  There is nothing like moments like this one.  And I truly felt some sort of positive hormones flowing through me...a wave of serenity and bliss.  So, I spent most of the day yesterday just cuddling my baby and not worrying about doing anything else.  Even the blog I posted had been written the night before.  I added a few sentences and posted it.  


And people might think I'm crazy for believing this, but I truly think it helped him and me get better!  I am feeling MUCH better than I did, and he seems to feel a lot better as well.  He has been very cheerful today and his breathing sounds much better.  Maybe that was all we both needed.