Thank You Notes

Today I sat down and started writing thank you notes to people for things Lee and I received as wedding gifts.  Yes, it is quite a bit after the wedding, but I was told I had a year to do them.  At first, I didn't want to write them because I felt like people might wonder why I was so late in sending them and say "it's about time" Yet, after I sat down, I was actually glad I waited so long.


I hate writing thank you notes.  It is something I often defer.  And, admittedly, I have forgotten to do it in the past because I put it off for so long.  The problem is, when I receive something, I find myself in a bind when it comes to the thank you note.  Personally, I don't like or care to receive thank you notes from other people.  It's not that I don't want them to be appreciative.  It's just that I really believe they are mostly a waste.


Let's be honest.  When I open my mailbox and I see an envelope addressed to me that clearly contains a card, I get kind of excited.  Then, as I open it, I think "oh, it's just a thank you note." I read it over and I really don't think much of it.  I feel like it was sent to me because the person felt that he or she should have or needed to send it to me; therefore, the whole thing loses meaning.  Plus, I have no real use for the card, so it usually goes in the trash soon afterwards (I hope nobody feels personally offended by this.  I am just being honest). Do I think people are all insincere? No, not really.  It's just that things that are treated by society as obligatory lose value because then you don't know when it's a formality and when it is real. I wonder how many other people are like me.  There may be some who really love a thank you card and get excited and say, "Oh look! A thank you card!"


For example, I was talking with my mother recently and she wholeheartedly believes in thank you cards.  I honestly don't know if she loves receiving them, but she definitely feels it is very important to send them.  She has said that it might be that her generation was raised being taught that writing thank you notes is important, and mine is so much more electronic that we just don't get it.  I will not deny the fact that generation plays a major part in what we deem important.


Still, for me, it is something I find completely absurd.  Everything seems to be simply "fluff."  If I give you a present, I'll assume you were grateful.  Most people stop to say thank you anyway.  For me, that is really enough.  And honestly, if the person didn't want it, I would really prefer it if he/she didn't fake some kind of appreciation out of obligation to write a thank you note.


I mean, this is why I don't want to write thank yous so soon after receiving a gift because I find myself not knowing what to say.  "Uhhh errrrr...thank you...uhh...for that spoon...it just stirs so great...I have never seen a spoon that can stir like that one!"  It just sounds like foolishness to me and I like to be genuine.  You see, this is why I don't like giving thank you notes because if I'm going to write to somebody it will be true and real.  It won't be some forced thing I do because I feel like someone wants one by a certain date or shame on me...I obviously wasn't thankful.


So, this is why I ended up being glad I waited so long.  Because I can honestly say that every note I wrote today was packed full of meaning.  I was able to express appreciation for a gift but also make comments about things I know that have gone on in their lives.  I felt so satisfied that I didn't have to make up something just to write a thank you note.  There were many other things to say.  Besides, we have also had the things long enough that I could write more about them.  For example, I could explain how and when I've used it and what I truly think of it.


If you are one of those people, and you will soon be receiving a thank you card from me.  Just know that I meant every word I said.

Do I really need this? Why do I have it?

Before moving to Georgia, I had gone through my things several times.  I threw out at least 5 large black garbage bags full of things I had no use for.  I donated clothes, books, and other things that I didn't need to Goodwill.  It felt so good to get rid of that excess stuff that I didn't need.


Well, after getting down here, I have recently found out that I could have gotten rid of A LOT more stuff.  I rushed down here on Saturday because our things were supposed to arrive on Monday, and somebody needed to be at the house to receive them.  Unfortunately, the moving company didn't bother to call and tell us that a driver quit on them and we wouldn't be receiving our stuff until Friday.  Finally, our things did arrive yesterday.  And, after being so eager for them to get here, I was taken aback at ALL OF THE STUFF we had!  Some of the stuff I didn't even think was mine.  I had no recollection of having it at all.


My goodness! The movers were allowed to bring things in and take them out of the boxes, but they weren't allowed to put them away or organize them.  So, when they dumped the things off and took them out of the boxes, Lee and I appeared to be like those hoarders on television.  We had stuff EVERYWHERE!  We went out to eat, came home, and then I got right to work organizing the kitchen. I put away countless mugs, 2 sandwich makers, 3 crock pots, 5 cutting boards, gadgets I've never even used, and other items that took up the kitchen.  The cabinets are now full and I'm still wondering where to put some things.  The crock pots got to me the most.  We hang onto things because they have sentimental value.  One of the crock pots has never even been taken out of the box.  And I'm sure I kept them because they were given as gifts, and people know you can always use a crock pot.  I probably thought there might be a day when I will use three crock pots.  HOWEVER, that day is not today and probably it won't be tomorrow or any other day soon.  So, off to Goodwill will some go.  Other people may need an unused crock pot at a good price.  I don't know how mugs accumulate, that's one of those mysteries I won't figure out.  I will also be getting rid of anything we may have duplicates or triplicates of.  There is simply no point in keeping them.  Although I am thankful to people for having thought of us and getting these things for us, they didn't know what we previously had and I'm sure they wouldn't want us holding onto their thing just to hold onto it.


Just now, I was going through some books.  There are novels I have had from college courses.  I took a Willa Cather course in college, and I have somewhere from 8-10 novels that I bought for that course and for my personal interest in reading more of her works after the course.  I haven't read those books in probably 5 years now.  I would say it is time for them to move on.  I also have a lot of Elisabeth Elliot books.  I did enjoy those books and I held onto them because I like them so much, but shouldn't I share what I enjoyed with others?  What's the point of keeping something if it is just going to sit there for a least a year simply taking up space?  I've resolved that there is none.


Looking at all of these things, they are things I have kept for the possibility of using them later.  Well, now it's later and I still haven't used them.  So, what does that tell me?  I'm not going to use them later.  When we go out to run errands, do we grab 5 purses wondering "well I might need this, so.." No, most of us don't.  We take what we need.  So, I am going to do my best to keep only what I use regularly and need and just get rid of the rest.

In it for Ourselves

It's interesting how quickly and easily another person can crush our spirits.  I wish I could remember or find the exact quote now.  However, Elisabeth Elliot said that many adults are, in fact, not adults at all.  Instead, they are really more or less overgrown toddlers climbing on and trampling over other toddlers in the play pen to get to the top.  They pay no mind for the pain others go through in order for them to get where they want to go.  And when they might be found to be in trouble, they quickly and easily point the finger to somebody else who really ought to take the blame.  


This evening, I was happily taking care of a few things and looking forward to a new day tomorrow when I received an e-mail that really brought me down.  It was telling me that I had not done something that I was asked to do.  I actually had done what I was asked.  It was, in fact, that the other person had not realized or remembered what the request actually was.  Everything came down on me as if it were my deliberate choosing to be irresponsible or maybe some sort of incompetence on my part.  I felt like a popped ballon where one tiny pin prick allowed my whole surface to fall apart.


My immediate reaction was to fire back, "No, actually, you said..." or "I didn't mean to." But I sat there and I thought about it and I prayed about it.  Then, I came to the conclusion that it is better to say nothing and simply just do the thing that has been clarified to me. One quote that Elisabeth Elliot has said for sure is, "Silence, as someone has said, is the mother of prayer and the nurse of holy thoughts. Silence cuts down on our sins, doesn't it? We can't be sinning in so many different ways if we are being quiet before God. Silence nourishes patience, charity, discretion."  I realized that retaliating or saying anything would have been me trying to save face and that would only be a manifestation of pride.  


It is usually in our nature (and I'm pretty sure this is what this person was doing with me) to place blame elsewhere because the weight of blame for a mistake is uncomfortable.  Maybe the person said the wrong thing.  Maybe I actually heard the wrong thing.  Is either one of our mistakes earth shattering? No.  Is it worth getting upset over? No.  So, being an adult doesn't depend on whether others are being adults.   It depends on training your mind to understand that life isn't about you and your world isn't the world.  

If

If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too: If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise; If you can dream---and not make dreams your master; If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim, If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same:. If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools; If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings, And never breathe a word about your loss: If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!" If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much: If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son! Rudyard Kipling

Male and Female code

Isn't it interesting how men and women can be so vastly different and how we can both completely stump the other gender?  Recently, my husband graciously listened along to a book on tape with me.  I had rented it for my trip to Georgia the other week along with others.  I hadn't gotten to listen to it because I ran out of time on my trip.  So, I went ahead and decided to listen to it on my way to work and back and while running a few other errands.


When my husband came to visit this weekend, I was around 1/4 through the book.  And he graciously listened along to "Shopaholic and Baby" with me.  lol  Of course, it seems as if it is impossible for a man to watch (or in this case listen to) a chick flick without adding his two cents.  This book is actually the sequel to the book and movie Confessions of a Shopaholic.  So, as he and I listened to the book, we ended up having a discussion about the characters.  "Well, I think she really..." "No, no man would say or do that without.." which really ended up being me explaining the woman's behavior in the book and my husband explaining the man's behavior!


To provide a VERY brief synopsis for background information, basically the woman in the story suspected another woman was interested in her husband.  This, of course, led her to believe that maybe she shouldn't trust her husband.  The book had built his character as a pretty reputable person who wouldn't seem to betray his wife.  Yet, there were little things here and there that gave her cause for concern.  My husband's thought was that she should trust her husband.  All of the things she was accusing him of doing in the story were not solidly backed up and she was jumping to conclusions quickly.  He kept saying, "But he hasn't had a chance to say anything yet" and "She needs to talk with him about her issues instead of obsessing over them and speculating."  


Of course, I jumped to the woman's defense (yes, I understand how ridiculous this conversation sounds but I think we were honestly discussing a more broad topic using the characters) and I said, "Well he is also absent a lot and she doesn't know where he is." And so on and so forth went the conversation.  I could see how the woman in the story had cause for concern because there was another female character in the book who was acting a certain way towards her husband.  Of course, like a true man, he had no clue she was flirting, but the wife could see it in an instant.

In the end, everything my husband said or thought about the male character turned out to be 100% true about him and everything I thought about both female characters ended up being completely true about them in the story.


 I do think that women (most of the time) have the ability to read other women.  You KNOW that a woman would not say or do a certain thing without specific intentions.  All you have to do is put yourself in her shoes and it's obvious! There are always exceptions to the rule, but it happens most of the time that women can know what other women are up to.

I have to assume that the same thing is true for men.  First, I have my husband's point of view to go from.  Whenever he says something about another guy to me, it seems to me like he has some sort of male ESP.  But it's probably that he can do what I can and just figure what he'd do.  This area is very fuzzy to me because I don't know enough to say anything solidly, but I can go off of my experiences.  I remember one guy who I went to college with.  Any other guy could look at him once and say, "he's a jerk," whereas, women didn't see it so clearly.  I didn't see how they could tell.  The guy was, in fact, a jerk.  Yet, I still don't know how they saw it.  One guy said it was in the way he moved, his tone of voice, his facial expressions, and things of that nature that made it obvious.  There is also the book "he's just not that into you" where a male author easily explains CLEAR signs that a guy is not interested.  The women, however, really usually wouldn't know without an explanation.


My friend has a husband who is (and has always been) totally unaware of when a woman is trying to flirt with him.  She's very thankful for this "fault" because he just goes on with normal life and wouldn't think anything of it.  I think blinders can be a good thing every now and then.  Maybe men really don't need to know when women are being deceitfully pleasant.  In a way, we wish they would sometimes so they would not take a "sweet" or seemingly "well-intentioned" interaction as innocent when we know it is not.  There are certain things I know I would never say unless my intentions were not proper.  


I know this blog is really going nowhere.  There is no insightful summary.  Nothing terribly inspirational has come to me.  I just find it mystifying how men and women almost even have their own language.  Perhaps that's why we have bounds of books on these things.  I'll leave the figuring out of it all up to the professionals. 

What matters?

In an instant, I can find myself wrapped up in any number of things that are very petty and do not matter.  Working with middle school students, I witness things getting blown out of proportion on a daily basis.  The kids will take so many things and run with them as if the world is over.  Sometimes I appear careless and heartless to them because I have grown some sort of immunity to it.


I have seen so many little girls crying and heartbroken because their BFF wasn't much of a BFF.  Somebody lied for personal gain.  Somebody said something about somebody else that wasn't true and, at that point, all thoughts of academics go out the window and they obsess over what was said and who said it.  For the boys, they are caught up in how many different noises they can make and how many items they can turn into projectiles.


Over the past few years, I have seen students act as if a very easy assignment is so difficult that they might as well just give up on school altogether.  Now, I cannot rest comfortably if a student does not understand something and I honestly have not tried very hard to explain it or explored various options of explaining it.  However, I do not feel personal guilt when I make sure there are plenty of ways for the student to understand and I know for sure that I have tried to help and it really is no longer me, but the student must make the choice.


Oddly enough, with as many trifling things as there are that they worry about.  And we as adults cannot believe they are so upset.  WE STILL run about like chickens with our heads cut off fretting about and worrying about all of our own petty little nonsense nothings.  At that point I honestly know that I have no place to think their problems so minuscule if I myself am caught up in any sort of useless nonsense.


When I woke up this morning, one thought pervaded my mind.  I do believe Christ put it there and left it there to give me serenity to enable me to be strong enough to contribute to others and not lose my head.  The thought was "What really matters?"  When you are focused on what really matters, you cannot focus on the things that don't matter.


Soo...that begs the question..what DOES really matter.  Well, after coming up with my own conclusion. I started asking people.


My personal thought was...


What matters is being honest, doing your best, loving others as yourself.  And, at the end of the day, I wouldn't regret it if I made a mistake in filling out a form, but I would regret it if I was so obsessed with things like forms that I didn't get to talk with or spend time with my family.


Here are some of the things other people said


What matters?


family, trusting God, being an encourager to other people, being faithful


At the end of the day...


 I wouldn't regret not vacuuming the carpet, but I would regret not telling my family I loved them.


What matters?


truth, courage, wisdom


At the end of the day...


I wouldn't regret not succeeding, but I would regret not trying.


What matters?


doing well, being true to yourself and to others, contributing


At the end of the day...


I wouldn't regret if I didn't go to work, but I would regret if I didn't take time to reflect on everything I am blessed with.


What matters?


family, health, friends


At the end of the day...


I would regret not kissing my husband goodnight


And so it seems that at the heart of it all, we are understanding things that matter are not material.  They are all things of the heart.  


To be perfectly candid, I will admit one of the biggest reasons why I'm focusing on these things.  My grandmother is old and not doing so well.  She hasn't been doing well for quite some time but I wonder every day if it will be her last.  Then, I think to myself and I know that we never know which day will be our last.


Some stories from life have made a deep and lasting imprint on my heart.


When I got married, my uncle, who had cancer, specifically bought me a video camera as a wedding present.  He wanted to make sure that we opened it right away so that we could record and cherish those moments from our wedding.  I was busy planning the wedding and with work and I was unable to write him a thank you note or letter before the cancer took a turn for the worse and he passed away in January.


That is something I can never fix now, and I feel emotionally frozen when I think about it.  Some part of me wants to show my gratitude, but I know I can't.  I know there is nobody I can say "thank you" to for him because he was the one who got me the gift.  I was so "busy."  Gosh..I was too busy for that?


My grandmother had a brother who she held a grudge against for a long time.  In their old age, he contacted her in bad health.  She saw the condition he was in and took pity on him.  She knew he didn't have much time left and she wanted to make things right.  So, she decided she'd go see him in West Virginia.  Well, she wanted to plan it when it would be easier to travel.  In the end, she didn't make it there in time and felt awful.


Both of my parents have told me before that you need to seize opportunities like those.  Sometimes the time won't feel right but you just have to jump on it.  You are never too busy for love.  Never too busy for family.  Never too busy for life.  If I was unable to care for somebody because I was so "busy" I would not feel satisfied.


I don't mean for my blog to be grim.  I just think it is essential to focus on what matters because we are constantly bombarded with things that don't.  Jim Elliot said, "Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."  I don't want to miss an opportunity.

Trying To Do It All

Asking for help is one of the most difficult things for me to do.  I hate it.  Why? Because I feel that if I have to ask somebody else for help, I've just thrown my problem on them.  Then, I start to feel guilty that somebody else has to deal with my mess or my problem just because I was unable to handle it myself.  


My mom is a mentor mom for a program called MOPS (mothers of preschoolers). A few months ago she was part of a panel where she created scenarios for the young mothers to get together and figure out.  All of the scenarios were intended to help them think about how to handle various things.  Well, one of the scenarios was: You have a friend who is a single mother.  What are some ways that you could help her?  A lot of the answers involved offering to babysit, coming over and spending time with her, inviting her over, etc.  I think those are all great ideas.  But then I asked my mom, "What if she is too afraid to accept that help? What if she doesn't want to put her children on somebody else?"  Of course I asked this thinking that's probably something I'd struggle with if I was in that situation.  


But, honestly, many of us are like this.  I know it.  I have known many people who have had trouble asking somebody to watch their kids because they want to try to handle it themselves.


As many people know, I have had to spend periods of time by myself managing things while my husband has been in training.  I don't even know how I did it for awhile there without breaking down and crying.  I was juggling a dog, a cat, kittens climbing everywhere, the dog eating out of the cat pan (nowhere to put it).  I also dealt with a new job and having to learn tons of new things in the middle of the year.  Every time I felt on top of things something else came out of left field. My grandmother's dementia had gotten so bad that she had to go into a home (and there have been many times when we thought she was going to die).  My husband had recently left for Georgia and when I really wanted him here the most I knew he couldn't be here.  But did I want to tell anybody about this? No.  I wanted to handle it on my own because I didn't want other people dealing with my mess.


So, it came to a head.  My husband came back from Georgia in April and he saw that I could not handle it.  It worried him.  We sat down and had a long talk.  I admitted I had been to scared to ask people for help.  I was so convinced in my mind that I could do it myself.  The whole experience was very cathartic for me because I came to a point where I had no choice but to just start admitting there are times when I need help.


And, as soon as his leave ended (and I was back to handling things alone again), I began to let people know I'd be glad for their help.  This weekend, my mother came down.  I felt invigorated and refreshed by all that I accomplished with her here! It is so much more fun getting things done with another person than doing them by yourself.  We boxed up items for moving, we sorted through clothes that need to be donated, we worked out, we went grocery shopping, she helped me clean, we went to Lowes and got a few things that I needed to make some repairs.  And I KNOW that I would not have felt so amazing about it without her.  My mother-in-law is also willing to help and I'm going to take her up on that too. :)  I feel so much more energetic and able to accomplish things.


Strangely enough, I don't feel like I'm dumping my mess or problems on other people, I feel like I'm just getting enough help so that I truly can deal with the things that I need to do.

You want me to do WHAT?

If I give you a cupcake....

(Just look at how absolutely scrumptious and delectable it is! You know you can hardly resist!)

...would you be so kind as to do a favor for me? I promise it really won't take that long.  In fact, I doubt it will take longer than one minute! 

Please, simply stick your head into this guillotine...

Screeech! Lets grind this negotiation to a halt! You want me to do WHAT? 

Yes, just stick your head in the guillotine.  It won't be a big deal and it won't hurt at all.

You're kidding me, right? At that point, the cupcake would be worthless to me and it's not looking so appetizing anymore.

But I didn't yell at you and demand that you get into it.  I was actually very nice to you! I said it with a smile on my face.  In fact, I even said "please!" On top of all of that I'm GIVING YOU A CUPCAKE.

I don't care! No cupcake is worth going through that kind of torture.  You don't get it! IT'S MY LIFE THAT'S ON THE LINE HERE! DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS YOU'RE ASKING ME TO DO?!?!

Are you getting an ATTITUDE with me now? Well, hey, let's just forget the cupcake and all the niceties.  Now, I'm going to tell you, your head is going into that guillotine, or else!

How many misconceptions do we have about things on a regular basis? We think and we think.  We take our time to solve a problem in the best way possible and sometimes our solutions make so much sense to us that we cannot understand why they do not work!  Something clearly must be wrong with the other person because this makes total sense.

Aha! However, if the other person perceives what you are communicating in a way totally different than how you understand it, you could probably pile up prizes and rewards and still not come to a compromise.  Sometimes, the root of the problem is more than what you think it is.

How much worse do we make it when we don't even try to see it from their point of view?  This is something that is very hard to do and often takes a lot of time and thinking to understand.  But if my butter knife is somebody else's guillotine, I need to realize that about that person when talking about butter knives.

You perceptive people out there probably realize this blog is entirely symbolic.  I have done it to make a point.  Originally, the topic was going to be more concentrated on things pertaining to me.  Then, I decided to leave it this way because we all deal with this.  We come up with a sensible plan that looks GREAT....in our mind...