Counting my Blessings

I have been absent from my blog for almost a month now, and that has nothing to do with not wanting to blog or having nothing to write about.  I've been spending most of my time chasing after a very active 7-month-old who is very determined to get whatever thing he is after.  And, as he gets older, the more he gets fixated on one thing and will not accept any "substitutes." He definitely keeps me on my toes.


But as I seem to have a little more time today (due to the fact that my husband has a 4 day weekend), I want to share something that has been in the center of my thoughts recently, and that is remembering to be thankful for every little thing.  We humans are accustomed to grumbling and complaining and losing perspective very easily as our situation changes.


I remember shortly after Gordon Lee was born asking my mom to please tell me it gets easier.  I saw this future of always feeding him every hour for the rest of his life and having him cry regardless of the situation continuously.  Yes, it has gotten easier.  And, believe it or not, I VERY quickly forget that.


I find myself exhausted and agitated when he wakes up in the middle of the night (admittedly, even if it's just once, I get annoyed). Because since he's started sleeping throughout the night, I have gotten used to that.  So, when the nights come (and they do) when he doesn't sleep, I start getting flustered.  One night the other week (when he'd woken up twice in one night), I sat down and gave myself a reality check.  I remembered the nights when he'd wake up maybe even 4-5 times.  I also asked myself why I was getting so worked up, don't I get a lot of sleep most nights? Timid answer from my stubborn mind, "Well..yes." So I decided...JUST to keep things in check with myself..to put a star on the calendar for every night he sleeps through the night.  Then, I will not put a star for every night he wakes up.  Yes, of course, the stars outweigh the blank spaces.


Then, there is napping.  I again get flustered when he wakes up from a nap prematurely.  I have gotten used to his schedule where he goes down for a nap mid-morning, sleeps roughly 2 hours, and then goes down for another 90 minute-2 hour nap in the late afternoon.  When something wakes him up prematurely, I know he'll be tired and cranky and I know he needs more sleep.  But there is this part of me that just doesn't want to be bothered...that wants things to follow a pattern of predictability.  Well, with a baby, they just don't! And that's just it! Yet, that is just another lesson for me in counting my blessings. I remember days when Gordon Lee did not nap on any schedule at all.  He just slept whenever he felt like it for however long (sometimes that would only be 10 minutes).  And my focus at that time was to just make it through the day.


Even when he has days when he doesn't nap as well now, it is nothing like it used to be. Yet another reason I should be thankful! I should be thankful that he takes great naps most of the time and understand there will be days when he just doesn't.  Heck! He may even grow into a stage of fighting naps all the time.  And that is okay!


Because I have plenty to be thankful for! Besides, no matter what happens, I will (and he will) eventually get sleep! And I think we will be just fine!

Oh the Challenges of a 4th Grader!

Recently, my mother found a journal I kept when I was in the 4th grade.  I have no recollection of writing this journal whatsoever.  However, it seems as though I was required to write in a prayer journal every so often in class.  Most of the time, I wrote God a "song."  I later explained I wrote a song when I didn't have much to say.  There were some days, though, when I had a lot to say! 


Reading through this, I can't help but be amused at the things that were so monumental in my life at the time.  I will share a few journals leaving all spelling and grammar as is from my 4th grade point-of-view.


Dear God,
Yesterday, I found out that I'm getting an American doll for Christmas.  I'm so happy I can't belive it! Lord can you belive this? So far since the first day of 4th grade I haven't gotten in trouble Lord and I'd just like to ask you to help me through my spelling test today and my quiz today and I just thank you that I haven't gotten in trouble yet.
From
Rebecca




Dear God,
I thank you that my bird laid an egg but I just pray that it will hatch and that she'll have another one today or maby even two or three maby even four so she'll sit on them.
Love
Rebecca


Well God,
My name is on the board.  But I still don't know why.  I thought I would have it up there.  Lord I really think Megan's drawing of the house is good and I'm happy that Mama got A Road to Avonly for me and I'm happy cause nobody is mad at me.


**For these next two, I don't have the dates but they were written back to back.  I guess my moods were very extreme at the time** lol


Dear God,
I'm so happy that it's hard to say how happy I am.  Lord I know you know that special reason that makes me happy but I tell you anyways.  I'm very happy because I can tell that my cosin Kristin loves me and that just makes me feel good inside. 
Love
Rebecca


Dear God,
I am upset because we haven't gotten any SNOW! AND I WANT SNOW! AND I DON'T WANT SNOW ON SATURDAY! That is what makes me so mad I feel like yelling.  Because I don't want school. But I'll try to keep calm.
Love
Rebecca


Finally...


Dear God,
I'm so happy I can't believe how happy I am! I'm happy because we get to go on our field trip today! Horray! Horray! And we also get to go to P.E.  Horray! Horray! And tomorrow Douglas and Uncle Dave are coming! Horray Horray!
Love,
Rebecca


Oh the things I had to say to God back in the day :)

Deeper than Memories

There are many things in life that are hard to explain. One of them is why our loved ones are with us when they are not really "with us." When I sat down to my computer to write about the meaning of love, I had no idea the story that would unfold before me.  This story actually taught me about love in a way I never could have imagined. I didn't even care if I won this contest because before I even submitted my entry, I had already won.  I won in my heart a new understanding of love and that was enough.


If you are interested in reading further, get comfortable (it is kind of long due to contest rules).  Also, you might want to grab a box of tissues as a few people who have read it said it brought tears to their eyes.


Without further ado, here it is.  My lesson in the meaning and also the power of love.

An Eternal Gift

With wrinkled eyes, silvery gray hair, and a small shrunken frame she was almost unrecognizable. In her world, I was a face without a name.  Was I her niece Diana? Was I her neighbor? Maybe I was her old childhood friend Margie.  None of those was correct. She knew this person standing before her was somebody of great significance in her life. So, she would bounce from name to name attempting to make the right connection. At eighty-six years old, my grandmother was no longer the image of strength and courage I had once known.

Out of all of the people in my life, I had an inexplicable bond with my grandma.  Growing up, I spent weeks with her during the summer.  I cherished every moment spent together.  We’d wake up in the morning and go grocery shopping or run other errands.  Sometimes, she would buy me a toy.  Then, we would return home to watch The Price is Right. Cuddled up next to her in a small space left in a recliner chair, I requested, “Promise me, Grandma, we will go on The Price is Right together when I am old enough.”  “I promise” was her answer.  From one summer to another, I never let her forget about our dream.  By the time I turned eighteen, she was unable to fulfill that promise.  

If she had been well enough to go on the show with me, she would have done it without hesitation.  My grandmother was a constant source of generosity.  When guests came over, she would give up her room to provide them with a nice place to stay.  I could not imagine giving up my master bedroom and sleeping on the sofa for company. Yet, she wouldn’t have had it any other way. When I came to her home, she made sure I could do whatever my heart desired.  This included renovating her entire storage shed into a playhouse.  She covered the walls with pink flowery wallpaper finishing the project with a small bed, television, and air conditioner. If I saw anything I liked in her house, she said, “You can have it.  Take it home.” Giving to others brought joy to her heart. In 1998, she bought a brand new car telling me it would be mine later.  In 2003, she followed through and gave it to me when she quit driving.

Those colorful visions of my fortress of comfort were merely shadows of the past as I visited her in the assisted living facility. Memory began failing my grandmother soon after I started college.  It gradually worsened as dementia took hold of her mind.  Even if she did get my name right occasionally, I knew that she was still desperate to figure out who I really was.  With a heart burning and aching for the person I once knew, I resorted to every effort of reviving her mind. 

A small photo album with pictures of our relatives sat on the bedside table.  Picking it up I pointed to faces of family members.  We would reminisce over who the people in the pictures were.  Sadly, her ability to name her loved ones deteriorated, and the exercise became useless.  My next strategy was to help her say or do anything she could remember. Briefly, I could get her to recite all of the counties of West Virginia—a skill she was proud of her whole life.  Even though it may seem trivial, it was something she remembered.  Thus, I clung to it as the one thing that could connect us. However, this, too, became lost in the abyss of dementia.

Despite the attempts I made of grasping at straws, I still wanted to be with her.  So, our visits consisted of her talking about whatever random things came to her mind and me listening patiently.  There was nothing to be personally gained from it for me, and I wanted so much to have her there with me.  Feeling absolutely desolate that there was nothing truly left of my grandmother, I did something I could not have planned. As if an overwhelming force compelled me, I decided to lie down with her in the small space left in her bed—much like I did as a child in her chair.  With one arm over her, I nuzzled my head on her shoulder.  Looking tenderly into my eyes, she said, “I love you, sweetheart.” For that brief moment, there she was as my grandmother.  A life long past from childhood came flooding back again.  The moment was truly beautiful.

Everything so dear between us had passed away.  I wondered what was the point of having such fond memories if, in the end, that was all they were? She could not be a part of major events in my life such as getting married, obtaining a master’s degree, and expecting my first child.  I tried to share them with her, but she didn’t understand.

  Several questions and thoughts bounced around in my mind. Why should I go out of my way to spend time with somebody who no longer knows who I am? She is not going to remember this visit.  What am I actually doing for her? It feels like I am only hurting myself watching what I once knew disappear before my eyes.  No, a miracle will probably not occur that brings back the grandmother I knew.  She will not understand time I spend with her in the way that I do.

A woman in her twenties with a stable career living independently appears more capable than a woman in her eighties lost in dementia needing help just to get through the day.  If anyone wanted to have a sane conversation, they would not consult her.  Nothing rational about her has remained.  Clearly, I am the stronger one who understands what is actually happening.  Therefore, it is my job to provide what I can for her.  I am the one who knows better now. Yet, while all of these things are true, I discovered that mental and physical strength still fall short in matters of the heart. 

Our moment together revealed a significant truth about love to me.  Love is a continuous reciprocal relationship.  Neither time nor the faculties of the mind can remove it. Whether or not I am remembered, I still feel the need to give the time I have to my grandmother.  Simultaneously, the bond with her is just as strong as it once was when I receive what she wants to give.  Nothing is appealing about lying in her tiny twin bed or taking a half-eaten banana from her.  Still, these are the things that she wants to offer.  When I gladly receive her “gifts” to me, her eyes light up and joy spreads across her face.  Memories cease to carry the weight they normally would because we are both savoring the moment. 

“The heart breaks and breaks and lives by breaking.  It is necessary to go through dark and deeper dark and not to turn,” writes Stanley Kunitz in his poem The Testing Tree. This is how my heart learned the strength of love. Although I cannot recall the first time I discovered the meaning of love, the relationship with my grandmother is the strongest reminder I have of what love truly is.  In order to experience love at the deepest level, heartache is required. No lasting relationship goes without pain or sorrow. Meanwhile, love is the healing ointment that comes from growing through trials together. 

Whether we must swallow our pride and apologize for selfish behavior that hurt another person or say goodbye to someone who stood as a pillar in our lives, overcoming struggles with others develops our hearts.  I could have stopped seeing my beloved grandmother as to avoid the problems I faced with her.  But then I wouldn’t have ever learned what I did.  I had to be with her in times of joy as a child and times of frustration as an adult to experience the full development of love. 

My heart has broken from the loss of someone who filled my life with happiness.  However, while all of the things that I once had with her are gone, the love is still very much alive.  I discovered that it means giving and receiving with her for her happiness—savoring the beauty of the moment.  It is also about carrying on her legacy and pouring the love she gave to me into others.  Love cannot remain with one person.  It strengthens us so that we can encourage others.  In this way, love is kindness that lives forever.

What is love? Baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me no more.

Several months ago, by the suggestion of my mother, I entered a writing contest.  The winners are supposed to be notified sometime around today or shortly after.  Seeing as how I haven't heard a thing, I doubt I won.  However, I don't even care if I did win or not.  The experience in and of itself was incredible for me. 
The essay prompt was to write about the first time you learned the meaning of love.  I was not at all excited about this topic.  And, yes, as soon as I heard it, the first thing that came into my mind was, "What is love? Baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me no more." I can't help it.  However, I was about 8-9 months pregnant at the time and spending quite a bit of time with my feet up.  So, I thought I might as well enter.
If I was going to enter, I was going to give it my all.  I read carefully through the contest rules and guidelines.  They wanted something out of the box.
And after taking time to think about an original topic, one came to me.  And while I still didn't like the topic and even mentioned in the essay that I cannot pin down an exact time I first learned the meaning of love, the story I wrote was of a powerful lesson in love.
I decided when I entered that if I didn't win, I'd share the essay on here.  But I had to work hard to stay quiet.  I thought for sure with the baby and everything, that I would have long forgotten about the contest by now.  I haven't.  
But it's incredible what I actually learned about love and life through this contest.

Drawing Conclusions

It's hard to know what goes through an infant's mind other than "I'm hungry" "I'm wet" "I'm tired," etc.  Their minds are definitely absorbing many things.  And from all of the things they are exposed to, I wonder what things get caught in the net of their brains.  

One thing I've noticed recently is that I'm pretty sure Gordon Lee is synthesizing information and drawing conclusions.  Why do I think this? There are a few behaviors I have noticed recently.

First of all, he has had a cold for a little under a week now, and I've been using saline drops and a bulb syringe to clear his nasal passage.  Well, he absolutely hates this and would rather I just leave him to have clogged nasal passages.  After a few days of this, I realized the other day that he was starting to pitch a fit before I had even touched him!  All I had to do was come at him with either the nose drops or the bulb syringe and he'd start pitching a fit. He knew he did not like these things enough to react before anything had happened. To me, that is drawing a conclusion.  He is anticipating the outcome before it even occurs.

Second, we've discovered that the camera has been used so much around him that he knows what to do when he sees one.  Unless he is extremely cranky for some other reason, he will always stop and pose for the camera.  When we took him to have his six month photos taken, the wait was really long due to a lot of people wanting pictures around the holidays.  Right as I decided we had been waiting too long because his nap time was around the corner, they called our name.  The photographer asked if we could try pictures anyway just to see what he would do.  And sure enough, even though he was previously getting restless and fussy, he stopped to pose and smile for the camera! 

Clearly, her camera looks different than mine, but he is used to seeing the same action and is starting to realize that he should smile at this thing.

Finally, the biggest one I realized just the other day.  Every single day, I sing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" with him.  I sing that one and a few others because he likes any song that involves hand motions.  As I get to the line "Down came the rain and washed the spider out," I tickle him on "washed the spider out." I had to pay close attention, but I saw that he was starting to laugh and smile right as we got to "down came the rain" in anticipation for the "fun part."  I tried it multiple times at random.  And, sure enough, he is starting to get excited right before I'm about to tickle him.

He is clearly retaining information and anticipating what is going to happen based on his experiences.  

I wonder what other things are going through his little head. :)

Good King Wenceslas

I was trying to do a post every day until Christmas but travels and other things have kept me a little bit busy and I have only just now had a chance to do another post.  I'm sharing another Christmas favorite of mine! I love the song Good King Wenceslas and I'm surprised at how many people haven't heard it.

Good King Wenceslas looked out

On the feast of Stephen

When the snow lay round about

Deep and crisp and even

Brightly shone the moon that night

Though the frost was cruel

When a poor man came in sight

Gath'ring winter fuel

"Hither, page, and stand by me

If thou know'st it, telling

Yonder peasant, who is he?

Where and what his dwelling?"

"Sire, he lives a good league hence

Underneath the mountain

Right against the forest fence

By Saint Agnes' fountain."

"Bring me flesh and bring me wine

Bring me pine logs hither

Thou and I will see him dine

When we bear him thither."

Page and monarch forth they went

Forth they went together

Through the rude wind's wild lament

And the bitter weather

"Sire, the night is darker now

And the wind blows stronger

Fails my heart, I know not how,

I can go no longer."

"Mark my footsteps, my good page

Tread thou in them boldly

Thou shalt find the winter's rage

Freeze thy blood less coldly."

In his master's steps he trod

Where the snow lay dinted

Heat was in the very sod

Which the Saint had printed

Therefore, Christian men, be sure

Wealth or rank possessing

Ye who now will bless the poor

Shall yourselves find blessing

Gift Wrapping Mishaps

Have you ever wrapped up the wrong gift? Or have you wrapped up a gift forgotten what it was or who it was for? Today's blog is about two such gift wrapping mishaps.

We started Christmas shopping pretty early this year.  So, my husband and I agreed that we would store all of our Christmas presents in the spare bedroom together so we wouldn't lose track of anyone's present.  When it came time to wrap them.  I took them all out in the living room, wrapped them up, and put a post-it note on the outside of what it was.  I couldn't remember who some of the presents were for, but I knew my husband would be able to tell me when he got home. 


So, after I wrapped up all of the gifts, I asked him who they were for.  One such gift was a navigation system.  I asked him, "Who is the GPS for?"  "Me." Since it was already wrapped I wrote, "To: Lee From: Lee" on it.  I'm not sure why it was with all of the other gifts.  But he just now had to unwrap it so that we could make our way up to North Carolina with an updated GPS.


Another story goes back about 12 years to when I was in high school.  I went over to my friend's house to exchange Christmas gifts.  Her family had not labeled all of their presents.  So she picked up a box and handed it to me.  We simultaneously unwrapped each of our gifts.  The box was a clothing box and I was excited about what I might find inside.  Until I uncovered an...

I thought to myself...hmmm..."I'm not sure why she got me an oven mitt, but oh well.  My mom said you should always be thankful."  After opening her present, she looked up to see me staring at my oven mitt.  "Thank you," I said as enthusiastically as I could manage.  "Oh my goodness!! That is the wrong gift," she replied.  Yes, a shirt that was meant for me got mixed up with an oven mitt that I think was for her aunt. I'm not a very good faker, but I tried my hardest to be thankful for that oven mitt at first!