Do not lie to me; Do not lie to yourself

I am not one to become close with people easily and quickly.  For about almost anyone I meet, it takes me quite a few good weeks before I feel comfortable enough to open up to them.  This has nothing to do with an conscious decision I've made; it's just that I find it a waste of time to become close to somebody who does not really want to be my friend.  And I think, to be honest, that most people do not really want to be friends, not really.  Perhaps my perception is skewed; this is simply the experience that I have faced much of the time.  So, this is why I take time to get close to people. Like I said, it isn't that I deliberately make myself do it.  I just automatically feel distanced until I feel I can trust someone.


Once I open up that place in my heart, it is a lasting and strong bond I have with anyone I become close to.  Letting someone be a part of my life for me is something I will not go back on (unless that person betrays me in some way).  The fact of the matter stands that I firmly believe that many people wanting nothing more than a self-serving relationship.  They want somebody who will be there for them--not somebody who they want to be there for.  They want a friend who will make them look good in a superficial way.  They are entirely afraid of being alone.  We all can fear loneliness; yet, there is an extent to which we all must be able to function as individuals because you never know who will or will not be in your life at any given moment.


That said, I experienced a situation recently where I was pretty frustrated and rather dismayed at what I perceived to be the very type of relationship I have just described.  Now, let me preface this with the fact that, when I even begin to feel as though somebody has bad intentions, I immediately distance myself and that person hardly ever hears from me (if ever).  


Well, when I moved here, my first goal was not really to make friends.  It was more to get settled, find my way around and, if I happened to find people who would be friends, GREAT.  If not, that's fine too  I began to attend a few gatherings where, I admit, I provided some contact information.  Because I was really trying to get a feel for if it was something I wanted to be a part of.  Well, experiencing feelings of discomfort or superficiality, I quickly decided that I didn't want to be a part of it.  I never wanted to join a sorority for this reason. Granted, I do have friends from college who I believe are genuine caring people and I think there are exceptions to every situation. I will never become part of any group that resembles a  superficial level of "friendship."  I will be there for my friends whether they pay me or not, whether they write me a "thank you" note or not, whether they r.s.v.p. to an event I host or not, and I know that my real friends will be there for me likewise.  I'm not saying that friendships mean that you treat your friends however you want.  I'm saying that friendship is not contingent on minuscule and insignificant things.  Plus, I do not make friends so that I can have somebody there for me.  That is never my intent.  I make friends because those people are a joy to be around,  they are HONEST and real people, and I can be myself with them.


I have deviated very far from what I was going to say.  So, now I digress.  I have received countless e-mails from this group to whom I provided my contact information. I was only at the group two times way back when I first arrived in the summer.  As soon as I found out that, if I attended any more functions, it would then be expected of me to be involved in everything, that I decided not to do it.  I knew my job was coming up and I knew it would be unfair to me and to them to dedicate myself to something that I didn't have time to dedicate myself to.  Well, now, hundreds of e-mails discussing various events and things have been exchanged between these people, and I have seen them on my e-mail.  Of course, nobody asked me where I was.  I didn't expect them to because I thought it was understood by my absence that I was not going to be a part of it.


Well, an e-mail came out recently about a function discussing things needed for the function.  Soon after, I get a call from somebody saying they'd love to hang out with me and wonders if I've been getting the e-mails (hmmmm..it's been months and now you care?), oh and oh yeah am I coming to the function and could I possibly help with it.  Oh AHA! Now, I get it.  Yes, you want me to help.  Don't tell me you want to hang out, and that you wonder if I have gotten the e-mails, etc. etc. when your point is that you need help.  Yes, maybe you feel guilty that you didn't bother to say anything sooner and you are trying to cushion things with those words, but I feel they are dishonest.  If I have e-mailed somebody many times and never heard back from them and I really wanted to hang out,  I wouldn't wait two months to find out if they were getting my e-mails.  And if somebody really wants something from me, then tell me you want something from me.  That's fine.  I'm actually okay with that.  I just prefer honesty above anything else.

A Whirlwind of Change

As soon as I have written a blog about the glories of this new season, the unexpected twists and turns of life decided to appear.  


Though I am taking it out of context, Shakespeare writes in Sonnet 18 
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date

This is true.  Nothing lasts, and these reminders have made themselves evident this week.  Over the weekend, one of our high school seniors passed away due to a car accident.  Then, Monday, one of the teachers at our school passed away in the hospital unexpectedly.  In addition to all of this, everything in life seems to be whirling around my head like a furious tornado.

I have meetings to plan.  I have my regular life to attend to.  Every day, I have not been able to make it home from school until around 5 in the evening.  Every morning, it is unavoidable that I must rise early and prepare for another day when I know that I will not make it home until 5 again.  Of course, these things are not enough.  To add to it all, my husband is in the field and I have people wondering why I'm not responding to e-mails about a coffee that is being held.  And I don't even know where to begin with a reply.  I will r.s.v.p. when I decide if I can make it.  

For now, everything is up in the air. It is as if the autumn winds have now begun to sweep me away.  I felt, this afternoon, that things had settled, but they haven't yet.  I'll have to ride it out.  Tomorrow will be busier than any other day.  I have to work straight through the day as I am covering a class for a teacher who must be out for the funeral of our former coworker.  I am more than glad to do it; I just won't get a break tomorrow at all.  There will be a faculty meeting after school.  I have to coordinate two more meetings that must be held next week.  I'm thinking to myself "You can do it.  The time will come.  Don't worry." I know time will become available and there is no sense in being annoyed or anything because it is life.  Life gets busy.  I must remind myself that it will not stay busy forever.

I am obviously finding the time to write this blog.  Staying up past when I should be asleep, I am making time to write the blog.  I feel the need to write it, though, so I can clear my head.  So many thoughts try to spin around in my mind at night and I do not feel at rest until I have released them.  

So, all I'm really saying is that it's interesting how we are tested and how the intensity of life can change in an instant.

Autumn

I am sitting outside on this temperate September morning with a fresh cup of coffee.  Amber an Chloe are basking in the morning sun soaking up the goodness of some weather that is finally not unbearably hot.  The oppressive heat of Georgia in the summer makes autumn a welcome visitor.  My mother has said that this is her favorite season.

Combinations of hues of orange, amber, pink, red, and brown (all in varying shades) do create an aesthetically pleasing view.  In fact, I do believe my mother wrote a blog about loving the Fall in one of her  previous blogs last year at this time.  If I remember correctly, the main selling point this season had to give her was the array of beauty in colors on the trees.

Personally, I do like the views.  Driving down a wooded road with trees drenched in vibrant leaves is a truly pleasurable and relaxing experience.  Relaxing isn't even the word.  It is more than that.  However, I cannot find the word right now to capture the feeling that comes from such a pleasant experience.

Usually, autumn is not my favorite season.  With all of the pleasant sights come other things that I would rather avoid.  Seasonal allergies start to build up for me right around the time of late October to early November.  The past few years I have not been burdened with the task of raking up those lovely leaves once they make their descent to the ground.  When I did have to rake leaves, it was never something I was enthusiastic about doing.  So, perhaps, I am enjoying the onset of Fall this year a little more since it isn't accompanied by an extra task for me.

Somehow, there seems to be a lingering autumn aroma in the air.  It is inexplicable.  Yet, it gives my mind a sense of refreshment, peace, and clarity.  I can think better right now.  Personally, I feel my mind is more of a garden to be cultivated, and I can think of the words I need when I want to write.  Perhaps this is why we began the tradition of starting school at this time; people's minds became replenished and ready to learn.

The feeling of a cool breeze is enticing for outdoor activity.  Taking my dogs for leisurely walks in the afternoon and evening is something I'm finding hard to resist.  So, with this season, I'm feeling more exuberant, rejuvenated, relaxed, and at peace.  When it comes to favorite seasons, I still pick Spring because of the promise of life after the death of Winter.  Yet, autumn this year has come with a welcome embrace.

Irony

Recently, I was doing a unit on satire with one of my classes.  I had covered situational irony and verbal irony.  Situational irony is a contrast between what you expect to happen and what happens.  Verbal irony is a contrast between what is said and what is meant (in short, sarcasm).  Anyway, so we had read some selections from Jonathan Swift in order to analyze the devices of satire.  One such one was "A Modest Proposal" which I'm sure many people have read.  I assigned a project to coincide with the reading where the students had to present their own modest proposal as if it were an idea they were trying to sell.  I had some great (and very funny) projects come out of it.  One student, blamed Hostess desserts for the obesity claiming "obviously it is the fault of the sweets as the poor helpless people simply cannot resist."  I found that so funny I laughed out loud during the presentation.  


Oddly enough, though, as I was doing this unit, I began to notice my own experiences with situational irony in particular.  


DISCLAIMER: In order to protect the identity of students and so as not to be misinterpreted, I will let you know I am going to use the ambiguous pronouns, "they, them, their, etc." in reference to particular students.  Yes, it is incorrect noun/pronoun agreement; however, I am entirely aware of this and do not feel like spending my time thinking about rewording each sentence to avoid saying "he" or "she."


Situation #1 
I have one student who always seems to be uninterested in all things academic.  They do not ever appear engaged no matter what the content is.  Well, I was doing a review of some concepts.  I was trying to get answers out of the students who do not often raise their hands.   I began receiving responses from some of the more reserved ones.  Well, as the momentum was building, more and more hands went up.  Iwas getting excited over responses and I was walking all over the classroom to get answers.  Finally, [begin chariots of fire type music] up in the air flies this students hand.  I have never seem them so eager before.  Eyes that are normally glazed over and staring blankly are bright and alert.  I can't even believe my eyes that this student has their hand up high in the air stretching it in all excitement.  "Yes," I say, "_________ what did you think the answer was?" "Can I go to the bathroom?" Ooooooo...crushed! That moment of anticipation was too good to be true.  Still, I hold out hope that we will have a breakthrough.  Ironic, though, isn't it?


Situation #2
Somehow, a student who never seems to understand what we are going over in class, is amazingly scoring VERY well on quizzes and tests.  This really hasn't been adding up, and it appears as though cheating has been a possibility.  I like to give them the benefit of the doubt and think that perhaps there is a lot of studying going on at home, which is resulting in higher scores.  Well, this week, the quizzes were done orally.  Each student had to answer a question aloud.  When this student was called on to answer, they had no clue at all about what the answer was.  Even given a second chance, they were not able to answer.  Another quiz was given; we have changed the seating chart.  The student they are sitting near now got two answers completely wrong, this student had the same two very wrong answers written down.  BUSTED! Maybe this isn't ironic as it is funny to me.  Yet it still shows that the expectations of this student to do well clashed with reality.


Situation #3
I put the dogs in their crates for the night on Thursday night.  I headed to bed, locked the door, and turned the lights out.  Suddenly, I hear somebody coming up my stairs! I freak out because Lee was in the field and there are two deadbolt locks on both of the doors downstairs.  With one, a key is needed.  The other one is a security lock, and it is impossible to get in with that lock secured.  I always lock the doors.  How is somebody coming up the stairs? I think to myself.  Cautiously, I grab a weapon that Lee leaves at home with me for my security, and I sneak toward the door.  I slowly open the door, and I still am hearing movements.  This is freaking me out because it sounds like somebody is downstairs.  But it also sounds like they are taking no care to even try to be quiet.  Well, as I go down the stairs (gun in hand), I find out I am hearing our neighbors moving about in their house! Oh my!

Chloe

Yesterday, my husband and I went to Petco to pick up some things for Amber, and we picked up something for Amber indeed.  We like to go to Petco better than Petsmart on a Saturday because 1.) Things are cheaper there and you can find good stuff on clearance and 2.) Petco is not flooded with dogs.  Petco has one shelter that brings about 4-5 dogs every Saturday, whereas, Petsmart has 3 shelters come and there are literally dogs everywhere.  It is so loud and chaotic that it gives me a headache.


Anyway, so I was over in the clearance section looking at various items when my husband got my attention and said, "Hey, here's a friend for Amber." I walked over and saw an adorable miniature dachshund.  I wouldn't have paid the dog any mind at first, but I started talking to them about her to find out many good things.  She had a good temperament, she liked children, she liked other dogs, and she was very quiet. So far, the quiet part has been very true.  I don't think she's barked even once!

Her original name that the shelter gave her was Emma, but we didn't want to call her that.  So, we went through several names.  I wanted to call her Snaps because she resembles my sister's pound puppy she's had since she was very small named snaps.  However, come to find out, she had a name.  My husband, for some reason, said "Chloe" and she came running.  Then I said, "Chloe, come" and she came to me.  Every other name we called her resulted in no response.  But Chloe was immediate.  So, either that or something close to it was her name.  Now Amber has a buddy and we hope things will continue to work out as great as they have started!

Collaboration

One thing that I think makes being a teacher easier (besides making a person a better teacher) is collaborating ideas with others.  I have been blessed at every school so far to work with many people who love sharing ideas.  Even now, everyone on the English hall goes around sharing ideas.  A lot of people have great ideas, and the cooperation creates a fantastic environment.  This is probably one of the reasons I like teaching high school.


In fact, I think this is probably the way teamwork should go.  I don't know for sure, but I have spent 3 years on the middle school level where they practice the teaming strategy.  About 4-6 teachers are placed on a team where they have mostly (or all) of the same students, and the idea is that they are to work together in order to best serve the students and provide consistency.  I do think that there has to be a more efficient way to do teaming because I have seen a few recurring issues with it despite how great a team may be. 


 #1 There are always extra meetings when you have a team.  You have to have your department meetings, your regular school meetings, there are (of course) parent/teacher conferences, and then you have to take time to meet as a team.  I have seen a contrast in the amount of time that frees up when you don't have that extra team.


#2 Everybody tries to be almost the same, but really not everyone is the same.  So, somebody doesn't fail a kid in his/her class (even if the child deserves it) because nobody else on that team is.  The teacher starts to wonder if there is something wrong with him/her because he/she is the only one struggling with that student.


#3 Somebody doesn't like the way another person is doing things in their class.  It creates unnecessary tension.  People who should get along start judging each other (for no good reason really).  It's mostly that Mrs. Teacher A is not doing things the way Mrs. Teacher B is doing them and Mrs. Teacher B is not happy with that.  


People cannot possibly all be the same no matter how hard they try.  I have also found that, most of the desired cohesion is maybe more than anybody needs.


Oh, and that does bring me to another point...


#4 Kids LOVE to use it as a tool. Mrs. A let us do it.  So, why can't you, Mrs. B? I like Mrs. A better.  


I think it's good for the students to learn that all teachers are different and just do things different ways and that is okay.  This might be the difference between the ages in middle school and high school.  But I haven't seen it with high schoolers.  They just seem to accept that every teacher is different and they need to adapt to different teachers.


Okay, so with all that said, I DO see SO MANY positive aspects of collaboration...WHEN it is done in the better interest of others.  I'm getting GREAT ideas from other teachers.  And I do believe that this is the teamwork that fuels our energy, frees up our time, and increases our passion for teaching.


I also see the positive aspects of having teams.


#1 Everyone plans a conference together.  No teacher is alone to be targeted and harassed by a parent.  That is a VERY important thing.


#2 It does provide consistency and, if there is a child who needs help, more people are able to get together in order to help that child.


#3 It is a lot easier to plan events and field trips because the students are always going to the same group of teachers.


#4 It can help the school better organize schedules for students.


So, now I seem like I'm contradicting myself, right?


I'm just reflecting on the positive and negative aspects of having a team.


However, MAYBE just MAYBE it isn't so much the mechanism as it is the people and THEIR attitudes.


Because, honestly, I have even seen teachers in department meetings who are supposed to just be sharing ideas turn it negative.  One teacher has an idea and another one says, "Well, I wouldn't do it that way." Why say that? Are you better? Some teachers are not as interested in really getting good ideas as they are in getting recognized for their ideas.  


So maybe, despite what the structure is, the root of the problem is selfishness.  I don't know if that is it for sure.  I'm just reflecting. 


All I know is that I have been working with some great teachers these past 4 years who love sharing ideas.  I have been taking other people's ideas and using them, and other people have been taking mine.  Actually, during my first year of teaching, I created a puzzle for adjectives and nouns.  The students had to put the puzzle together in order to match up the adjective with the noun it was describing.  The next year, I saw my puzzle format (that I drew by hand) being copied and used by a math teacher for math problems! Ha! It does feel good to see an idea like that.  


A great teacher I was fortunate to work with (you know who you are ;) ) Had an idea where students chose books to read.  Then, in final-four format.  They went head-to-head to defend why THEIR book was the best! That was such a great idea.  I am definitely going to use it.  


I knew a teacher who was great at making things artistic.  For example, each student would take a difficult vocabulary word, make a poster about it, and write a paragraph on what the word was about on the back.  She'd cover up their names, put numbers on the posters, and then the students would vote on the most convincing one.  It was a lot of fun.


So, I know this is getting long and I seem to be going nowhere.  I was actually going to write this blog to announce that I am going to be posting teaching ideas on here (my own and that of other teachers) for all of you to read and comment on.  Because even a GREAT idea can be made better.  Sometimes somebody can pick up on one little thing and help the lesson tremendously.


I somehow felt compelled to write about collaboration in general.  But ANYWAY, I am going to start posting a variety of ideas on here.   And I'm excited to see what other people can add.


:)

I said DOCTOR, ain't there nothin' I can take?

Late Saturday night, I felt a sharp cramp or pain in my lower right side.  It alarmed me a little, but I figured that if it just went away, I wouldn't worry about it.  Well, it did go away.....only to come back Sunday evening at around 5:30 p.m. and then persist.  I wasn't sure what I should do because it was a Sunday evening and the only thing open would be an emergency room.  It wasn't exactly as much of an emergency as it was discomfort combined with the fact that my temperature was going up quickly.  I didn't want to have to miss work, and it was early enough to get into the ER (plus we were kind of worried it could be a bigger deal if it came back stronger).  So, I decided I might as well go to the ER and see what was going on.

I'd been having symptoms for awhile of nausea, fatigue, shortness of breath, elevated temperatures, and now a sharp pain in my right side.  I went in, told them what was going on.  Of course, they tested for pregnancy only to have it come up negative.  I was taken back where a somewhat absent-minded doctor began questioning me.  He was having trouble holding onto the facts I was giving him, but was SURE I wasn't pregnant.  Well, GOOD...that's GREAT! I don't care about that anymore.  Let's find out what was going on.  But the problem was that once he decided I wasn't pregnant, it was like he didn't care anymore.  

He came in nonchalantly and said, "I'm going to have a CT scan done in case it is something more serious, but I doubt it is."  Then, in his own medical terms, he basically told me he thought I just had gas.  Now, I know gas is painful and I have had gas before but it has not been concentrated in one exact location where I feel like something is squeezing me.

Well, he had the CT scan done.  Again, he rolled in as carefree as could be and said, "Well, there appears to be nothing wrong with your appendix, liver, kidney, or other major organs.  There is what appears to be a partially collapsed cyst or follicle on the right ovary (which, oddly enough, was exactly where I was feeling the pain).  So, I'm going to treat you for constipation."

WHAT? Wait a minute, what does constipation have to do with a cyst? I am not constipated.  I don't have gas.  But I'm being given all kinds of treatment for constipation.  I honestly felt more competent in my own hands than in that doctor's.

However, before he could leave, my husband asked the doctor if all of the symptoms I was having could at all be related to an ovarian cyst.  He answered, "I don't know.  You'd have to ask the ob/gyn." Well, we went home and found out ourselves that an ovarian cyst could very much cause those symptoms.  

Great, basically 5 hours were wasted at the ER to find out I'd have to go back to the doctor the next day to find out what was really going on.  So, I took the day off of work to schedule a doctor appointment with somebody who could maybe give me a clear answer.  Fortunately, the next doctor wasn't as clueless about the whole thing.  And, after pulling up the medical record from the ER (this is the army medical so it's all in the same database), decided that, yes, the problem was more likely an ovarian cyst, and constipation wasn't even a consideration.    

After his examination, he ordered an ultrasound to be done to see what exactly was going on.  I went in for my ultrasound today and will not have any answers until Friday.  But after looking at the pictures and then researching online, it appears to me that I have one huge cyst.  I could be wrong.  We'll see.  But next time I need some medical advice on a weekend, I think I'll stick to Web Md unless my arm is chopped off or something.